


[Duplicity: Erwin Smith x Reader]

by PearlDrops



Series: Quisling: Erwin x Reader [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 1940s, Action & Romance, Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Alternate History, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1940s, Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Nazi Germany, Alternate Universe - Paris, Alternate Universe - Real World, Alternate Universe - War, Alternate Universe - World War II, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Background Relationships, Being Lost, Betrayal, Bombing, Character Death, Childbirth, Childhood Memories, Children, Consensual Infidelity, Covert Operation, Danger, Death, Deception, Developing Relationship, Discovery, Drama, Drama & Romance, Drinking, Drinking & Talking, Dubious Ethics, Dubious Morality, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Infidelity, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Eventual Romance, Exploitation, F/M, False Identity, Fear of Death, Fear of Discovery, Feelings, Female Protagonist, Fluff, France (Country), French Characters, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Genderbending, Getting Back Together, Grief/Mourning, Hiding in Plain Sight, Historical, Historical Accuracy, Historical Inaccuracy, Historical References, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Infidelity, Interactive Fiction, Jealousy, Lies, Loss, Loss of Faith, Lost Love, Love, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, Major Character Injury, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Manipulation, Medical, Medical Examination, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Military Backstory, Military Uniforms, Mind Games, Minor Violence, Mistaken Identity, Mistakes, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Moral Ambiguity, Moral Dilemmas, Morally Ambiguous Character, Multiple Partners, Murder Mystery, Mystery, Nazis, Near Death Experiences, Nurses & Nursing, POV Female Character, POV Third Person, Paris (City), Partner Betrayal, Partners to Lovers, Past Character Death, Past Infidelity, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Betrayal, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Public Humiliation, Public Scene, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Recovered Memories, Regret, Relationship(s), Resistance, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Secret Identity, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert, Shame, Skeletons In The Closet, Slow Romance, Soldiers, Spies & Secret Agents, Subterfuge, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Violence, War, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-07-11 06:18:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 38,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15966458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlDrops/pseuds/PearlDrops
Summary: In six weeks, France surrendered to Germany.Not only is her country divided, but so was their group.Separated before France's defeat, Fraulein is unaware of Erwin's whereabouts, or even if he is still alive.Out of her depth, even more, she is forced to play a role she never expected to.In the chaotic confusion, Fraulein finds comfort in Mike.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

Pulling down on the clump of curled blonde-brown strands {Name} took the surgical scissors out her mouth.

In the little light, it was hard to determine the space between the tops of the fingers and hair, resulting in {Name} sliding the sharp metal blades over the upper part of the fingers before making the needed snip.

Dropping the collection of hairs at her side {Name}'s mouth pinched at the corner. It was not exactly the proper use of the scissors, trimming up the bearded male.

Though it appeared to please him, long fingers stroking the much shorter hairs that lined his jaw and chin, a satisfied hum rumbled in his throat.

Running two fingers down the scissors blades to clean away any lingering hairs {Name} tucked them back in the small sack that was strapped to her hip.

The utility belt was given to her by a passing regiment, she could only assume it was due to being drowned in the coat given to her by one of the soldiers, and the oversized helmet dropped on her head that they mistook her for one of them.

Trying to keep her gender concealed from the other men who did not already know that she was indeed female, led to {Name} being dressed up in their uniform.

Forced to strap down her chest with bandaging and cut her hair so that it barely skimmed her shoulders, she resembled a slightly effeminate man. The only strong give away being her voice, though depending on who she was with {Name} kept talking to a minimum.

Shifting on the knees, {Name} leant to the side to view the men gathered around the makeshift fire. Huddling up to keep warm {Name} felt a smile drift lazily over her mouth when a hand gently stroked back the loose hair that fell about her face.

Tucking it behind the ear {Name} pressed into the open, and calloused palm that cupped her cheek, the gentle contact making {Name} sigh lightly.

 _"This won't be permanent."_ Mike's voice rumbled quietly above her, the hand slowly falling away to rest on a risen knee _"Just bare with it a little longer."_

Trying to soothe {Name}'s growing agitation with being forced to play the part of a man a shrug rolled her shoulders _"It's probably for the best."_ Trying to sound confident about the odd predicament she found herself in she sat back.

With an arm resting over one of Mike's knees {Name} used the back of a hand as a rest for her chin. Never once did {Name} think she'd be working willingly with the German army, let alone impersonating a man.

It would have been a funny story to tell, if not for the stark reality of the danger she was under if her gender were to be discovered.

Keeping in the shadow of Mike's body {Name} shifted when his legs lowered, chin caught in-between the calloused fingers {Name} crawled to straddle his lap as their mouths met.

Rolling her hips at Mike's contact {Name} bit back the moan that threatened to tumble from her. Arm sliding beneath the coat, her fingers bit into the opposite shoulder, their mouths parted she pressed into the dip between neck and shoulder.

Biting into the thick material of his jacket {Name}'s body shuddered in anticipation when Mike's hand withdrew to undo the belt of her trousers. A single boot slid off to let one leg out of the trouser, the other side bunched at her thigh she locked mouths with Mike.

Drawing back the arm hidden beneath Mike's coat {Name} spared a glance at the men gathered around the fire, they continued to be locked in conversation, showing no interest in the two bodies seconds from entering an intimate act.

Pressing up on her knees as Mike freed himself from his trousers {Name} whimpered quietly when Mike's hands fell to her hips, easing her down upon him both hands gripped tightly at his shoulders.

Spreading wide the sides of the coat to further hide what they were doing Mike's hand slid up under {Name}'s shirt, the palm pressed flat to her back to bring their bodies closer.

Between biting down on her lip, and allowing the pleasured sounds to roll between their connected mouths {Name} occasionally spared a glance at the men surrounding the fire, ever thankful that they did not have need of either Mike or herself and remained out of their way.

Bodies heated {Name}'s hands became confused between pushing and gripping at Mike's shoulders, back arching with the building climax Mike forced their mouths together to dampen the satisfying yell that {Name} made.

Their movements slowing to a gentle roll {Name} cupped Mike's face in her hands, soft and panting breaths taken, they broke up the small pecking kisses they exchanged.

With the excitement of their activity expelled {Name} relaxed against Mike's chest. Not gifted with time to enjoy the afterglow of the much-needed release {Name} eased off of Mike after one final parting kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

Perched on the edge of the bed {Name} attempted to strap down her chest when a pair of large hands cupped lightly at each breast.

Soft pecking kisses accompanied by the rough tickle of the hair that surrounded Mike's mouth, they crept slowly up {Name}'s shoulder blade until Mike found the crook of her neck.

 _"You're supposed to be getting ready."_ Pulling sharply on the flop of hair that nearly cut Mike's eyes from view {Name} tried to put a stop to his amorous advance.

Grumbling something incoherently Mike's forehead dropped lightly on her shoulder, hands still at her breast {Name} attempted to ignore the heat building when he massaged them.

Any other time {Name} would have allowed Mike to continue, but today was not one of them.

For one, the bedroom door was ajar, and {Name} needed to make haste in concealing her exposed skin. Mike wasn't even supposed to be in the room, a slight oversight in judgement from the evening before.

 _"Stop it."_ Bleating the complaint {Name} slapped away Mike's hold, though it only resulted in his hands drifting to the waistband of the trousers she wore.

Unimpressed {Name} placed a kiss at Mike's temple, fingers stroking through the soft bristly hairs that made up his beard {Name} assured him that they would continue later.

Finally allowed to continue dressing {Name} retrieved the bandaging from where it'd fallen the night before.

Winding it slowly around her chest it was pushed down. Flattening the breasts was a painful endurance that was forced upon {Name}. It made them ache, and under the sun, it made the extra layer close to unbearable in the heat.

Securing the bandages with a series of safety pins {Name} quickly buttoned up the shirt, fingers sliding around the collar to make sure it covered the small bruise-like marks Mike had left.

Becoming a little too bold in his actions {Name} often needed to remind Mike of the situation they were in.

Though as of yet, no suspicion was drawn for the fact the two crept in and out of each other's rooms in the late hours, it was a daring move he'd made on leaving the bruises on her skin. That and that he'd stayed for the entire night.

Leaning back across the bed {Name} nudged Mike's side, his bare torso stretching, the action made the muscles that spread over his abdomen taut and more pronounced.

 _"You're supposed to be going to the offices in an hour."_ Reminding Mike of his appointment a hand fell on {Name}'s head, the rough skin messing up her hair before Mike pressed his body up on an elbow.

 _"It's only a relaying of orders. You can go."_ With a sly grin creeping across his mouth Mike fell back amongst the bedsheets rolling to his side as {Name} stuttered protest.

Refusing to enter what would be a waste of breath argument {Name} snatched up the uniform jacket that was hung over the bedpost _"You're impossible."_

Grumbling as the jacket was slid on {Name} combed her hair back into place. It looked as though it was down to {Name}.

In just six weeks France surrendered.

Though France had fought well, it almost felt like she'd rolled over and died. With the unexpected arrival of the Italian army, siding with the Germans, it tumbled the French military.

Divided at Velous {Name} was thankful to have remained in the company of Mike, Reiner and Bertholdt.

Their four-man unit, or rather three men and one woman, had been joined by another passing regiment.

Apparently, a temporary measure until they were able to contact the high command of the SS for further orders of what was to be done about their situation.

Mike was a captain, but with only two men in his unit. Erwin having been lost in the unexpected bombing they'd come under, not one of them was entirely sure if Erwin or the others were still alive. Being a woman in amongst men led to its own list of problems.

Managing to remain somewhat undetected by being shrouded in Reiner's coat and using a found helmet to keep her face and hair covered, the suggestion to disguise {Name} as a man was their only option.

Obtaining a uniform that fit {Name} had been the hardest part, though Reiner was successful in gaining one, {Name} felt at odds with being dressed in the outfit she'd become accustomed to seeing.

Using bandaging from the fresh medical supplies she'd been given, to allow {Name} to be passed off as a medic, she strapped down her breasts tightly.

Lastly, and with great reluctance, had been her hair. Tying it up in a ponytail, she'd hacked away the length, the hair that was left only just skimming below her jaw.

The only part that {Name} could not adjust was her voice.

Leading {Name} to be forced into an almost constant silence unless one of the three that knew her gender was around, she remained tight-lipped.

The new men that now surrounded {Name} were suspicious at the start, calling her a whole range of names for her obvious feminine appearance, one man had gone so far as to pat down her chest.

The bandaging underneath proving worthwhile as the man had stepped back with an apology, and left {Name} red-faced.

In time, they stopped with their jibing, apparently accepting that one of their medics was a rather pretty one.

Flanked by two soldiers {Name} adjusted the strap of the rifle she was forced into carrying. It's weight making {Name} feel lopsided, she tried to ignore the ache in the shoulder as they continued walking.

Heading to their central command post {Name} watched the French citizens, baleful glances sent their way by some, others smiled.

With France divided into three, by both Germany and Italy, there was only one part that remained free so to speak, though it was under heavy influence of Germany.

The Vichy government, was quite simply, a joke.

_"Fraulein!"_

A familiar voice struck {Name}'s ears painfully. Stopping dead in her tracks {Name} tipped up the lip of the helmet for an unobstructed view of the man looking at her.

Feeling the colour bleed out of her face {Name} raised a hand, making a slashing motion across her throat as the two men in front finally took notice.

Turning to look behind them, it made {Name}'s hand drop and snap against her side, trying to remain clear of their suspicion she turned with them.

Feeling a nervous sweat begin at her hairline {Name} shrugged when the two men questioned her, asking if the man was calling out to them, or specifically her.

 _"I don't know."_ Answering shakily {Name} adjusted the strap of the rifle again, hoping that Eren would come to his senses, sooner than later.

Mouth stretching in a strained smile {Name} decided it was better to act than wait.

Pushing past the two that she was meant to remain with {Name} walked stiffly to where Eren was stood, a few more familiar faces coming into sight she only had eyes for the tan skinned male.

_"Why are yo--umf!"_

Flipping up the butt of the gun {Name} forced it into Eren's stomach. Knocking the breath out of him, and shutting him up in one fell swoop.

 _"Are you trying to get me lynched?!"_ Whispering harshly when Eren staggered back into the waiting arms of the small blonde male, she replaced the rifle to her shoulder.

 _"They don't know I'm a woman idiot!"_ Almost squeaking at the strain of not shouting {Name} jumped back when the two who'd been accompanying her stepped up from behind.

 _"Friends of yours?"_ Erich questioned, an elbow digging into {Name}'s shoulder as he rested against her side, it almost sent her falling into him.

With a quick nod {Name} was forced to push the helmet back up when Erich slapped a hand up the back of it _"See, it isn't just us that think you're a funny looking lad."_

Sharing a laugh with the otherwise quiet Kurt a nervous tingle travelled down {Name}'s spine when she met the stocky man's gaze.

Kurt was never entirely convinced of {Name}'s false gender from the start, and unlike the others, still remained firm on the thought that {Name} was indeed female.

Eren's untimely arrival and loud mouth looked to have confirmed what Kurt always suspected.

Looking almost pleadingly at the group she'd missed since their ways parting nearly four months previously, she could only hope they understood {Name}'s situation and kept their tongues from flapping loosely.

 _"It's been a long time."_ Taking the lead on the conversation, Armin gave {Name} a gentle and knowing smile, an elbow subtly digging up into Eren's ribs to keep him from speaking anymore _"We thought the worst."_

A nod of thanks returned {Name} shook Erich off her shoulder _"Likewise."_ Trying to keep talking to a minimum {Name} resisted waving, and instead gave another nod when Kurt reminded them that they needed to get going, being tardy was not permissible. Reunion or not.

Moving up against {Name}'s side as the three made to leave Nile gripped the underside of {Name}'s elbow _"Are the others alive?"_

Guessing that Nile was asking after Mike, Reiner and Bertholdt a smile was replied. A relaxed smile of his own Nile removed the hand, patting {Name}'s shoulder roughly before letting them move on.

Excited to know that the other was alive {Name} remained passive. Getting worked up and giddy would not be considered a manly thing to do, and with the way Kurt kept flicking his eyes to her, it looked as though a new problem was raised.

Kurt needed to be thrown off {Name}'s scent, and quickly.

Entering the building that was once governmental offices {Name} allowed Erich and Kurt to take the lead. Giving the necessary information to the men guarding the lobby {Name} felt as though her heart was about to leap out her throat.

Mike sent {Name} along in place of himself. Apparently enjoying the luxury of a bed again a little too much he was reluctant to get up, and with Reiner and Bertholdt out on their own duties, it left {Name}.

They were supposed to be receiving their orders, and {Name} did not have the foggiest of ideas what she was supposed to even say or do.

Praying that there would be a delay, or that Mike would come to his senses and rescue {Name} from what was about to be an extremely painful situation, she felt her last hopes dash out the window when the three of them were ordered inside the office.

Taking up the space between Erich and Kurt a second of delay came in giving the salute. A right arm extending it fell back to her side in time with Erich and Kurt's arms falling back.

The man behind the massive desk was seemingly pleased in their efficient salutes his fingers spread across the desktop as he stood from the chair.

Eyes narrowing in on {Name} a little longer than she was comfortable with, a mild cough broke the man from the one-sided staring contest.

 _"Right, right."_ Hands fanning down the neatly pressed uniform the man extended a hand out to his right _"You're not Captain Mike Zacharius are you?"_ Speaking directly to {Name} the man gave a funny upturn of his mouth when {Name} answered that she was not Mike.

Fingers tapping at the edge of the desk the man looked off to his left, Erich being stood in {Name}'s way, she was unable to see who the commanding officer was looking at.

 _"You're a medic, correct?"_ Focus back on {Name} the man seemed to be in some kind of silent battle with himself. Giving a sharp nod in answer to his question {Name} could feel the sweat building again, she was going to give Mike hell once this was over.

Apparently displeased by Mike's absence, and her presence, it felt like there was something more bothering the old and war-weathered man _"I'm sorry, I feel compelled to ask, but you're very..."_ The man looked a little lost for how to word his question _"Womanly."_

  
Finding the word {Name}'s mouth stretched into a stressed smile when Erich snorted unceremoniously at her side. Of course {Name} looked womanly, she was one.

Unable to come clean on the matter {Name} fidgeted awkwardly when Erich continued to snigger even after the reprimanding gaze put upon him.

 _"I was blessed with good skin, sir."_ Knowing that something was needed to be said about her appearance, the words leapt out. The pitch of her voice controlled and lowered without being noticed {Name} was thankful the man took humour in the response.

 _"May your sons and daughters be blessed with your good looks then."_ Sounding sincere in the compliment, the man missed the pained expression that shot across {Name}'s face.

  
{Name} couldn't have children.

Ignoring the almost longing ache that filled her chest {Name} looked up sharply when the person hidden on her left, finally stepped forward.

 _"Erwin, I believe this genetically blessed medic was yours?"_ Resuming his seat the man's hand crossed on the desktop when Erwin gave a stiff nod in response.

_"Well then, see to it that your unit is pieced back together. You have your orders."_

Dismissing the three of them {Name} was the first out of the office. Though spacious, it made {Name} feel cramped. The officer's immediate zeroing in on her appearance leaving her in a cold sweat.

 _"Who's a pretty boy then?"_ Erich crept up at {Name}'s side, his fingers pinching and shaking the skin of her cheek with the verbal teasing. Throwing out an elbow {Name} caught him under the rib, making him veer off to the side.

 _"Miserable bastard."_ Muttering about her sour reaction Erich turned to Kurt who remained a few short steps behind.

Fingers flexing around the strap of the rifle {Name} ground to a halt when an authoritative voice ordered the trio to stop.

Like clockwork, the three of them spun on their heels to face the speaker.

Eyes hidden under the brim of the hat Erwin wore, his jaw looked to be set firm. A wave of the hand dismissing Erich and Kurt, it left {Name} to stand awkwardly in front of Erwin.

  
It was close to seven months since the two last saw one another.

Their parting forced by the bombs dropped by the Luftwaffe over Velous, she felt like she was looking at a ghost.

Erwin and the others were in the building when the bombs were dropped, the four that were outside believing them to have perished, they were forced to move forward with the plan to rejoin with the advancing German army. Standing in silence, {Name} choked back a relieved cry.

Nails biting into the strap on her shoulder a quick adjustment of the helmet she was forced to wear covered the tears collecting in the corners of her eyes.

Running into the other's like {Name} had, it didn't grant her the freedom to express her relief at finding them alive and well.

To find that Erwin was with them also, it made it harder to keep the manly visage in check.

 _"In here."_ Stepping to the side Erwin's head tilted to indicate the office they were stood outside of.

The door opened Erwin removed the hat before entering, a quick scoping glance made of the corridor to ascertain that no one was watching or would see, {Name} followed behind.

Before the door could even be set back in the frame, Erwin had removed the helmet from {Name}'s head. The long calloused fingers stroking through the now much shorter hair {Name} kept her eyes closed.

Not wanting to open them and find it to be a dream, and that she was in the embrace of another, a hand cupped over Erwin's when his thumb wiped the tears threatening to spill.

 _"We thought you were dead."_ Whispering quietly {Name}'s head dropped forward, resting against Erwin's chest a tearful smile spread when he admitted they had thought the same of them.

Replacing the helmet on {Name}'s head Erwin took a step back, hand firmly pressed against the door to keep anyone from barging in he tipped back the helmet enough that he wouldn't hit upon its edge.

Their mouths connecting in a long-awaited kiss {Name}'s chest cried out.

What was {Name} supposed to tell Mike, now that Erwin was not only alive but back among them?  



	3. Chapter 3

Fingers closing around the cold glass {Name} let the cigarette hang from the corner of her mouth.

Mouth closing on the butt a sharp breath was drawn in when the pretty woman at {Name}'s side pressed up against her, whispering words that, if {Name} was a man, would no doubt entice excitement.

All it did for {Name}, was increased the nervous sweat she was in.

Sitting in a bar that not only provided the men with beer and a time to unwind, it apparently catered to their more carnal needs.

And apparently {Name} was a hit with the ladies.

With one either side, a third pouted disapproval of not being up by {Name} from the edge of the table they were occupying, another was almost draped over {Name} from behind.

The long fingers massaging at {Name}'s shoulders {Name} didn't quite know what to make of the situation.

Reiner happily sitting with one under each arm, it left Bertholdt free of what was apparently a somewhat stressful situation for him. Making a steady pace through the pints brought to him, he looked a little flushed.

Mike looked happily entangled with a petite blonde woman that had caught his eye, and likewise, it seemed as though Mike had found hers.

Though conflicted by the sight of Mike with another, her own predicament did not allow {Name} time to wallow in jealousy.

Likewise, Erwin brushed off any attempt to engage his interest. In truth, he looked entirely out of place in the bar, that it made {Name} wonder why he'd even come along.

Though {Name} was given no choice by Erich, who had disappeared some time ago, as he'd practically frog-marched her down the street and into the bar.

Surprisingly the younger men were a little more formal, choosing instead to take the women onto the dance floor.

Though {Name} suspected it may have been their nervousness that led them to act more accordingly than some of the other men.

Searching desperately for some form of assistance {Name} could feel heat creep over her face in the rising panic.

The woman's painted fingers drifting up a thigh {Name} was in a pinch. It was possible to push the woman away, but it would draw attention further.

The only other option was to sit it out, and hope the woman was merely a tease and wouldn't hit the area that would give up the game.

Knee jarring up into the table with a thunk {Name} ignored the looks thrown down at her.

Unsure whether the woman's broadening smile was something to be relieved by, or concerned with, {Name} took a large mouthful of the lager she'd been nursing.

 _"Come outside."_ Whispering gently against the lobe of {Name}'s ear the woman offered an enticing smile.

Tapping the hand of the woman massaging the shoulders {Name} sunk the last of the pint she'd been taking her time with.

The remainder of the cigarette offered to the woman pawing at her other side the best attempt at an apologetic smile was offered _"Sorry ladies."_

With the apology, {Name} pushed back the chair with the heel of her boot. Stomach twisting in a mixture of panic and alcohol {Name} was sure that she was going to be sick.

With the woman leading the way through the bodies {Name} finally took note of the heavy scent of beer, sweat and cigarettes.

The air thick and hazy {Name} trailed slowly behind the pretty redhead, occasional glances were thrown over the shoulder to check that {Name} was still following.

What could the woman possibly want with {Name}?

The woman knew {Name} was most definitely not a man, that in itself let worry consume {Name}'s thoughts, it was the only reason {Name} was following the woman.

Hitting the fresh air {Name}'s head swam, though no time was given to adjust.

A painted hand gripping tightly at the collar of her shirt, {Name} was dragged down into a side alley, the woman's mouth fiercely kissing hers.

Trying to pry back the woman, both hands closed around her shoulders, body arching away to get the woman off {Name} was thankful when the woman stopped in her slightly aggressive approach.

 _"I'm not--!"_ panting {Name} was cut off when the woman flashed a knowing smile.

Pulling a cigarette out from between her bosom it was placed between the lipstick smeared mouth, glancing expectedly at {Name} a lighter was quickly brought out a pocket.

 _"I know you're not one of them,"_ admitting what she knew quietly the woman's gaze flicked to the entry of the alley she'd dragged {Name} into _"I was told that you were to be my point of contact tonight."_

Expecting something other than a gaping stare from {Name} the woman shook her head slowly. Bending at the waist, the woman hitched up her dress, forcing {Name} to avert her gaze.

Dropping her gaze when something hit at her chest {Name} stared at the letter the woman now brandished.

 _"Give it to him, no one else."_ The warning in her amber gaze made {Name} swallow _"Wait here with me a little. Don't want them thinking you're a thirty-second wonder."_

With an involuntary blush {Name} nodded, the letter taken she slipped it inside her trouser leg.

Shaking it down until it was trapped inside her boot {Name} stood straight, adjusting the waistband of the trousers she pressed against the wall beside the nameless woman.

Slowly the minute hands ticked away into forty minutes, the woman giving a sufficient nod she tapped {Name}'s shoulder.

 _"Don't say anything weird about me,"_ hands running up into her hair to mess it up she turned to {Name}.

Dragging a thumb over {Name}'s mouth, she guessed it was to further smudge the lipstick the woman planted on her previously _"And I will say you were a gift from the gods."_

Not entirely sure what to say {Name} could only nod, what could {Name} possibly say that would be weird?

Other than the majority of the men at the table knew {Name} was a woman, minus the few that had joined them from what was now {Name}'s old regiment, the whole scenario was weird.

Collapsing into the chair, {Name} rubbed the cuff of her shirt over her mouth in an attempt to remove the lipstick.

Ignoring the mixed looks falling down the table {Name} managed a tense smile when the woman she'd spent forty minutes in the alley with put a fresh pint on the table in front of her.

A kiss placed to {Name}'s cheek the woman gave her shoulder a parting squeeze.

Picking up the pint glass it was barely at {Name}'s mouth when the woman who'd been pouting across the table at her sidled up, gazing expectantly at {Name}'s side.

 _"Fuck."_ Whimpering {Name} looked away, legs crossing tightly under the table when the woman's hand gave a firm squeeze to her thigh.

Trying to shake the woman off without being outright rude {Name}'s shoulders tensed when two large hands fell on them.

 _"I think our medic is tired,"_ Kurt's rough voice rumbled above {Name}'s head _"The little redhead worked him hard."_ Sounding between impressed and a little annoyed Kurt's intervention made {Name} choke on the mouthful she'd freshly taken.

With a huff, the woman finally looked to have given up in her flirtations with {Name}. Leaving the table, the seat was quickly occupied by Kurt.

The man's greyish eyes close to burning holes in {Name} by the gaze he levelled on her, a hand remained on her shoulder.

Pulling {Name} close the bristles of Kurt's beard scratched across her cheek _"Don't think you have me fooled like the others."_

Lowering to a rough whisper Kurt almost growled against her ear _"I will out you for the bitch you are."_

Sitting back slowly Kurt's mouth twisted to a smirk, a tighter than necessary grip on {Name}'s shoulder Kurt's fingers practically bit into her skin.

If {Name} was unsure about Kurt before, there was no doubting it now. Either {Name} needed to get out of the mess that she was in, or Kurt needed to be silenced.

Permanently.  



	4. Chapter 4

Returning to the temporary accommodations, they were housed in {Name} managed to sidestep and dodge every question fired at her.

Reiner being a little too interested in what went on between the redhead and herself, it left the men to come up with whatever wild ideas and fantasies sprung to mind.

Erich being the more vocal, and praising {Name} on the time it took to get back, purposefully commenting on how the little redhead looked like she'd had the time of her life.

It made {Name} wish the ground had opened up and swallowed her whole.

Taking care to securely lock the door of the room {Name} kicked off the boot that held the letter she'd been given.

The redhead was very specific to whom it was for, but {Name} was a little more interested in its contents. After all, they'd used her as their middle ground without even consenting her about it.

{Name} knew it was a daring move to open it, knowing too much was as dangerous as knowing too little.

There was even the prospect that {Name} was being set up. Kurt made it very clear, that he knew what she was, and that he was determined to out her secret.

Shaking the envelope out of the ankle of her trouser {Name} stared down at it.

Tongue pushing out a cheek {Name} crossed her arms, it was right within her reach. All {Name} needed to do was open it.

That was all {Name} needed to do.

Outstretched fingers creeping into view the envelope was pulled off the floor by the bent over figure that loomed in the corner of {Name}'s eye.

Breath catching in her throat, the scream of surprise didn't get a chance to break out before a hand fell over her mouth.

It would seem that {Name} and letters were an unfortunate mix.

With a finger pressed to the mouth in a request for {Name}'s silence, the hand covering her mouth drew back when she nodded agreement.

 _"What is this?"_ Abrupt and to the point Erwin held the letter between index and pointer, eyes boring into {Name}'s she shook her head slowly _"I don't know."_

Apparently satisfied that {Name} was not lying Erwin turned on his heel, the envelope placed in the pocket of his trousers before he sat on the edge of the bed.

Stepping away from the door {Name} searched the room.

Erwin was behind when they'd left the bar, and there was not a chance he could have slipped in behind {Name}, the door was locked.

 _"Our rooms are conjoined."_ Giving an answer to his mysterious appearance Erwin smiled when {Name} rested her weight back on one foot, hip swaying out to the side with the movement Erwin patted the open space beside him.

Kicking off the one boot {Name} was still wearing, it was shoved aside to join the other. Toes wriggling in the socks {Name} took her time before sitting down.

Since Erwin had been back, they'd not had a single moment to spare to sit down and talk.

Knowing that Erwin was more than a little aware of the intimacy between Mike and herself should have made their reunion a shaky one.

It was not exactly a matter of hopping from Erwin's bed to Mike's either.

After Velous {Name} was distraught at the prospect that Erwin was gone, possibly even dead. Whatever it was going on between Mike and herself, had only developed during the few weeks it took for France to fall.

Potentially in shock of the situation, and with haywire emotions, {Name} found comfort in Mike.

Nonetheless, {Name} felt trapped between the two men.

Even though Mike looked to be struggling none with finding himself company, it didn't mean that {Name} could do the same so easily.

 _"This is why I told you not to get involved with Mike,"_ speaking quietly from {Name}'s side Erwin sighed _"He doesn't stick around."_

As if the comment was meant to settle {Name}'s conflicted emotions Erwin looped an arm around {Name}. Pulled in close against Erwin's side {Name} almost latched onto him, the familiarity of being at his side only made the guilt increase tenfold.

{Name} didn’t know how to explain herself. All words failing, she listened to the dull thudding in Erwin’s chest. It was calm, at ease as it beat. The polar opposite of the quickening beats in {Name}’s chest.

The arm around {Name} tightened, the point of Erwin’s chin resting on her head _“You don’t have to say anything.”_ Like Erwin could read her thoughts he spoke quietly, a heavy sigh puffing out his chest, and sending hot breath across her hair.

 _“I’d prefer it if you say nothing at all.”_ admitting quietly that he didn’t want to discuss the strange love triangle they’d ended up in, {Name} cupped a hand over her mouth.

Shoulders hunched {Name} muffled the cry building in her chest, eyes closed tight to keep the tears from falling.

In Erwin’s words expressing that he held no desire for {Name} to explain what brought her to roll in the sheets with Mike, she finally found a way to say why it had happened.

Mike was a rock, the only firm and consistent thing {Name} had in Erwin’s absence. Mike made {Name} feel safe, he had kept her safe.

Mike was open, more comfortable to speak with.

More relaxed in giving {Name} attention and affection. It was what made {Name} latch on to Mike.

Mike gave {Name} what Erwin hadn’t.

Erwin’s hand came to cup {Name}’s, breaking it away from her mouth; he slid his fingers under her chin, angling her to face him. Erwin’s gaze zig-zagged over her face, narrowing ever so slightly his lips remained in a firm line.

It came unexpectedly, her back met the mattress roughly, an arm pinned above her head as Erwin straddled her body.

Eyes waterlogged {Name} could only faintly make out Erwin’s expression when he tugged down the collar of her shirt, the tips of his fingers tracing the faint bruise-like marks Mike had left from their last tryst still present on her skin.

The pressure of Erwin’s fingers increased as they travelled from one mark to another, almost stabbing at her skin _“You need to tell Mike not to be so obvious.”_ slipping his hand under, the fingers cupped the back of {Name}’s neck, his fingers pushing through her hair.

Sliding the hand that pinned {Name}’s wrist to slip in the gaps of her fingers, their hands closed tightly when their mouths met.

Uncertain, and with hesitation, they took their time reacquainting their bodies.

Tracing over familiar lines and marks, while discovering new ones they’d picked up in their time apart. It was gentle and intimate.

Almost like they’d never been apart, but also as if they were experiencing their first time together.

Tucked beneath the sheets {Name} watched Erwin sleep. Erwin aged in their time apart, new creases in his skin travelled across his forehead, as did new ones line the area around his mouth.

It looked as though he’d been in a perpetual frown in the months that he was still out and fighting. Tracing a finger down the strong line of Erwin’s nose {Name} gave a half smile when his eyes opened a crack.

 _“I have to go on my rounds.”_ Speaking softly {Name} watched Erwin try to keep his eyes open, a small sound coming from the back of his throat to say that he understood {Name} leant in, placing small kiss to the corner of his mouth she held back a laugh when Erwin’s mouth twitched into the laziest smile she’d seen from him.

Taking care not to pull the sheets from Erwin as she left the bed, {Name} dressed quickly.

Quite proficient at dressing in almost total darkness {Name} didn’t trip or stumble on Erwin’s discarded uniform, though she did pause on catching sight of Erwin’s jacket, the thick letter poking out from the pocket.

It would be easy to take it, but it would be hard to explain where it had gone.

Regardless of garnering Erwin’s suspicion, {Name} knew that the letter needed to be delivered to its intended receiver.

Crouching {Name} kept one eye on Erwin as she eased the letter from the pocket, standing cautiously {Name} slid it inside her coat, pulling it tight to her body before unlocking the bedroom door.

Once in the corridor {Name} placed the helmet on her head, and the rifle on her shoulder, a polite nod was given to the three others who were to be joining her on their rounds.

Brushing past, the letter was carefully exchanged from {Name}’s hand to its recipient.  



	5. Chapter 5

The accommodations of the old and new unit were next to each other. Two old bed and breakfast lodgings were stolen by the German Army to allow their men to put their heads down. There were another ten more houses, and three hotels took over. Only a few streets apart.

They were also smacked in the centre of the city so that if any pockets of resistance came up, they could be squashed quickly.

Still, in the depth of night, the streets were relatively quiet, save for a few soldiers returning from their rounds, and those venturing out to do their own.

Night air warm, it meant that their heavy set coats were not needed. Gathering on the steps, {Name} walked to Erich's side, a cigarette hanging out the corner of his mouth another offered to {Name}. Taking it quietly {Name} lit it as Erich complained about how tired he was, and how that he wished he was still in the arms of the lovely French woman he'd picked up at the bar.

 _"We're roaming the canal,"_ tapping the map, and the large pencilled circle {Name} bit the tip of her cigarette and spoke around it _"There has been some activity down there lately."_ Repeating back the information passed over from the last group's patrol {Name} handed Erich the map.

Exhaling heavily Erich's eyes narrowed at the crumpled paper, a weathered hand rubbing stressfully across his forehead _"Why do we always pull the short straw."_ Grumbling Erich shoved the map in his pocket, the cigarette thrown down onto the pavement before he stepped off the sidewalk.

The canal was a point of entry for the French resistance. Supplies coming in, hidden carefully below the water lines of barges, it took careful planning and preparing to get the items in under the Germans noses.

{Name} was a witness when Mike and Reiner caught an old man ferrying weapons in.

The receiver of the goods had been three women, their coats altered to be able to hide the small arms and ammunition that was stowed away on the barge.

All of them had been shot. No arrest. No trial. They faced their judge and jury in the two bullets put in their bodies.

One of the women had been expecting.

It made {Name}'s stomach turn, and she'd spent a good long time emptying her stomach in the canal. It was meant to send a message that no one would be spared, regardless of circumstance, if they resisted the German occupation.

Keeping that in mind {Name} slowed her pace, Erich not far behind and still complaining, she hoped that if there were any resistance activity, it would be over and done with by the time they got there.

In the early hours, the streets were still busy with the soldiers and cars of supplies being run in and out of the city.

Occasionally a French citizen on their way to work broke up the dreary grey. It was almost like nothing was out of place.

Forced to continue as normally as possible, the people tried to keep a sense of normality by going about their usual business. Though their eyes told {Name} that the Germans were most certainly, not welcomed.

They may have smiled politely, but behind their eyes were daggers, sharp and stabbing at the soldiers occupying and terrorising their homeland.

It made {Name} wonder how she looked to them. Was {Name} just another walking evil in grey to them?

Or could they see that {Name} was in just as bad a pinch as they were?

It was thoughts like those that made {Name} long to be at home, on the farm.

A fantasy, that {Name} knew would never happen.

The farm was nothing but rubble.

A slap of water brought {Name} back to her senses. Daydreaming and longing were not permissible in times like this. Not when danger lurked at every corner.

Up ahead the dark waters of the canal rolled, slapping angrily at the brick wall that confined them. The water was disturbed.

The crack of a rifle being prepared, {Name} slid hers from her shoulder as Erich joined her side.

 _"Keep both eyes open lad,"_ harsh and baring warning Erich lowered into a crouch _"Watch yourself."_

Nodding {Name} too dropped into a crouch, covering Erich's back {Name} listened to every little sound. The slap of water, the distant rumble of engines, their deep breaths.   
Approaching the canal waters, Erich stopped just short of the edge, a sharp inhale of air and he turned to look at {Name}.

 _"It's Wolfgang."_ Confirming their suspicions Erich looked back up the canal, it was dark. Glancing in the opposite direction {Name} found it much the same.

 _"The bastards are probably still here."_ Erich spat on the concrete, a hand tight on his rifle.

 _"Be careful pretty boy, and make sure you get them,_ " shuffling to the right of the canal Erich gave {Name} a serious stare _"Before they get you."_

Swallowing all {Name} could do was nod, watching as Erich slipped into the shadow of the canal bridge. Turning to the left {Name} fumbled with the grip on her rifle, she would be taking the side that ran along the street.

Exhaling slowly {Name} crept across the canal wall, leaning over to catch sight of what Erich had seen.

True to his word, it was Wolfgang. Even in the almost nonexistent light, it was clear to see it was Wolfgang.

The man was built like a bear, and by the exit wounds in his torso. It looked as though he'd gone down like a bear. One bullet was not enough to put a stop to the man, so they'd needed seven.

Tearing her gaze away {Name} steadied her nerves, she was not trained for this.

In fact, not since the old cabin where she'd accidentally shot a French soldier, had {Name} needed to anything like this, on her own.

There was no backing out of it, and there was no one coming to her rescue. If {Name} didn't do what was expected, she'd be in a far worse predicament than she already was.

Keeping that in mind {Name} brought her body out of its crouch, but still kept her body low. Taking care with each step, she listened for anything that sounded amiss.

The water was calmer further down the canal, the traffic heavier, and her breath ragged. Both ears filled with a static buzzing the further down the canal she went.

On the opposite side, it was lined with bushes and a small path that led back up to the city street. It was still, not even a breeze to rustle the leaves. On {Name}'s side was a long stretch of pavement, lined by the storehouses for the goods the barges would bring in.

Nothing was moving. It was agonisingly quiet. Except that {Name} couldn't shake the sense of being watched. Continuing forward {Name} kept an eye out for a cat or even a dog. Hoping the feeling of eyes burning into her, was that of a stray animal.

A plop of water from behind nearly sent {Name} spinning, but a last-second change of mind made {Name} keep looking forward.

Like a blur, it moved. Shrouded in black it came from the canal, a hand wrapped tight on an ankle it dragged it out from under {Name}, toppling her.

Shoulder hitting the concrete harshly, the helmet crashed across the floor in a loud echoing clatter.

Kicking at the hand on her ankle, she felt another pair close around the other. Both legs pinned {Name} forgot the rifle in her hands as she was dragged over the canal wall.

For the middle of summer, the water was cold. It struck {Name}'s chest, shocking the breath out and forcing her mouth open in a gasp.

The opening allowed the water entry. It filled her mouth and nose, trickling down her throat.

Beneath the water {Name} couldn't make sense of what was up or down. The only tell being that the hands on her head were pushing to keep her below the water.

Under the water, {Name} felt weightless and heavy all at once. Desperately trying to free herself of the grip, her arms moved with little resistance, as her body started to ache.

Lungs burning and desperate for air {Name} begun to feel tired, her brain foggy and becoming disoriented.

Slipping. {Name} could feel herself slipping away. Too tired to resist, her arms stopped fighting, her legs giving up they rested still among the disrupted water.

The beating in her chest slowed, falling out of rhythm with the wild currents of water that swirled around her body.

A hand closed tightly on {Name}'s hair, pushing or pulling she wasn't sure, there was no energy left to shake it off.

A disruption and sudden downward tug in the water beside {Name} disturbed its rhythm. Something firm and secure sliding around {Name} and a sharp jerk, she broke the surface of the water.

The summer air hit like a cold slap, {Name}'s head forced back by a hand it rested on something firm as her stomach fluctuated. Mouth open in a confused urgency to force out the water, but drag in a much-needed breath she hacked up.

_"Stay with me, pretty boy!"_

It should have sounded louder, {Name} knew it should have. But Erich's voice came to her like he was standing miles away. Feeling as though {Name} was on a boat, her body rocked and swayed, the kicking of Erich's legs clipping hers as they hung uselessly in the water.

Wanting to assist Erich, it was impossible. Body feeling as though it was not her own {Name} couldn't coordinate, and so she lay still.

A rough scrape across her side {Name} guessed that Erich was trying to push her up the side of the canal.

Instinct kicking in, she grappled with the concrete, fingers scratching across the uneven flooring to drag her body up. A helping hand from Erich giving her a boost up {Name} rolled over the embankment.

Lying spread-eagled {Name} panted and coughed. Lungs ignited {Name} could feel the slosh of water that remained in them. It made her painfully aware of how close she'd come with taking her final breath. A rough push on a shoulder, Erich forced {Name} to roll to her side.

The action-forcing water up her throat, it dribbled at first before her lungs gave a painful kick and it sprayed across the floor in a cough.

Remaining on her side, she kept forcing the water up.

Erich rubbing a hand down her back like he was winding a baby she could hear his small words of encouragement, that was mixed up with less than pretty ones.

In time the haze in her brain lifted, though it didn't entirely dissipate. Still, she regained some control of her body. Enough that {Name} was able to crawl on all fours.

 _"I thought you were a gonna,"_ Erich exclaimed, sitting back he rested both arms on his raised knees.

Soaked through, much like {Name}, Erich's shirt clung to the flat of his chest.It made {Name} highly aware that the bandaging that strapped down her chest had come loose.

Dropping to sit on her feet {Name} crossed her arms tightly when Erich became preoccupied with mopping the water from his face.

With each hand planted firmly under her arms, {Name} blinked around, teeth chattering, she felt frozen to the bone.

Ears water clogged, they popped and bubbled slowly from the built up pressure.

The water trickling out, it felt warmer than when it went in. It helped disguise the noises building behind Erich and {Name} until they were practically on top of them.

 _"What happened?"_ Eren piped up first, his voice relaying surprise and anger, it brought {Name} an odd comfort.

Gently a coat was placed on {Name}, another tossed at Erich to wrap up in.

Questions were going back and forth at an alarming rate. To such an extent that {Name} wasn't even sure what was being asked or answered.

Unable to pick out anyone's voices, other than the predictable angry shouting of Eren, she pulled on the coat she'd been given.

It was odd, but {Name} could tell the jacket belonged to Berthl, she recognised his musky scent that lingered in the fibres of the coat.

Aware of a malign stare {Name} carefully turned her head left and right. Picking out nothing or no one, she twisted to look behind.

Backed by the slow encroach of sunrise Kurt's grey eyes bore into her. The splashes of pink and purple above his head, looking out of place with his darkened expression.

Apparently not concerned by {Name}'s well-being, or for the man still floating down the canal Kurt hung back from the group, purposely setting himself apart.

Trying to encourage movement in her body {Name} stumbled onto one foot, a hand catching her arm when she wobbled off to the side.

 _"Easy now,"_ Mike spoke calmly, the hand shifting to support the underside of her arm, the other held out for her to hold onto _"You've had quite a time of it."_ Assisting in getting {Name} to her feet Mike stepped back when she was steady on her feet.

A soft smile coming across his mouth, {Name} very nearly threw herself at him. Holding back only when she remembered he'd not cared a darn for how she was, the night before.

Happily parading another woman around, as if she'd not been sat there at all.

{Name} wasn't going to let him slip back in and act as though he cared for anything more than what he could get out of her.

It was strange, she'd very nearly been drowned.

Yet {Name} was more hung up on something that was, by comparison, inconsequential.

The only thing that came to mind was that she was trying to redirect her thoughts and emotions, from the fact that she had nearly died.

Shivering inside the oversized coat {Name} flexed her jaw, the chattering of her teeth stopping as they clenched together.

Prickling and hot, the shock finally started to subside. {Name} knew she had to hold herself together, at least until she was out of sight of Kurt or Erich.

Each step was weighted, her body wasn't as limber as she was accustomed. It required thought to put one foot in front of the other and remain upright.

In time, the pain in her body crept to the surface, the slow pound behind her temples making her dizzy.

An arm cutting across {Name}'s path made her pause.

Just like in the woodland, Reiner crouched down as Bertholdt helped her latch onto his back. The only difference between then and now was the bullet wounds had long since healed.

 _"We'll take he-him back."_ Bertholdt bumbled over the words but managed to save himself before totally outing {Name}'s gender.

Erich and Kurt accustomed to Berthl's usual blithering speech didn't seem to catch the slight trip up.

Before Reiner could start walking Kurt stepped forward, a hand out as though he was trying to flag them down.

 _"One quick question,"_ Kurt's voice rumbled with aggression, but {Name} was far more interested in his sodden sleeve, it stretched up to his elbow.

Missing the question aimed at her, a slow, laconic blink was returned to Kurt's glowering.

 _"I think the lad needs to rest,"_ Reiner chastised Kurt _" Ask your pissing questions later."_  
With a sharp click of the tongue, Kurt moved out of their path, a shake of the head from Reiner before he started up the road that led back to the street.

Clinging as tight as her shaking fingers allowed to the front of Reiner's shirt {Name}'s head raised an inch when Bertholdt piped up beside them.

 _"Kurt wasn't on rounds,"_ Bertholdt spoke with a rare firmness, his mossy green eyes narrowing _"But somehow he was at the canal before us."_ Side glancing them, {Name} understood what he was trying to suggest.

It also made sense as to why, one of the hands that were trying to keep her under the water, had cupped her chest and pulled loose the bandaging.

It was an extreme method if {Name}'s suspicion was correct, but Kurt could have just confirmed his theory, of her being a woman.  



	6. Chapter 6

Ordered to spread out and organise themselves, they manoeuvred in such a way, that it reminded {Name} of the setup of a draughtsboard.

Armin, Nile, Gunther, {Name} and Reiner made up the front line, while the others made up the rear lines.

Standing off to their immediate left Kurt was conversing with a rather imposing man. Rotund, but stocky sharp eyes looked out from behind wire-rimmed glasses.

The thick beard that connected from ear to ear was finished up with a slightly thinner moustache that did not correlate with the rest of his facial hair.

From the small whisperings {Name} managed to pick up, the man was Darius Zackly, a member of higher command within the German army, and a decorated one at that.

In time Zackly walked to stand in the centre of the quiet street they'd been told to gather, arms folding at his back the man looked up and down their line, before settling on {Name}.

Giving Kurt a wayward glance {Name}'s jaw set when he smiled in return. Whatever was about to happen, it was his doing.

 _"You. The medic."_ Darius addressed {Name} curtly, his head tipped to look down upon her _"What's your name?"_

 _"Hein Fuchs, sir."_ Using her paternal father's name, {Name} didn't skip a beat on answering.

Close to programmed to responding and giving the name, she was confident that if anyone used her real name at this stage, she would more than likely fail to respond.

Darius hummed thoughtfully in response, a hand brought out from behind his back, it stroked through the grey hairs of his beard.

A few short steps brought the tall and imposing man to stand in front of {Name}, bending at the waist his breath tickled at her face when Zackly moved in for a closer inspection of her.

 _"You're quite feminine in appearance, aren't you?"_ Eyes flicking side to side behind the glasses for any hint of reaction a smile of sorts came when {Name} answered.

 _"So I have been told, regularly. Sir."_ Almost forgetting to remain formal and polite of the man's position another glance was thrown at Kurt when Zackly stepped back from her.

Kurt was enjoying every moment, watching {Name} trying to remain composed of some form of amusement to the capricious man.

The sound of glass scraping over brick brought {Name}'s focus back to Darius. Placing a green bottle on the makeshift half wall that was apparently once a building, {Name} frowned.

Stepping out of the way of the wall Darius pointed an old finger at {Name} _"I want you to shoot that bottle,"_ pausing to swing the extended finger around to the object he was speaking of Darius smiled broadly _"In no more than one shot."_

Dropping the hand, it rejoined the other to rest behind his back. Rocking on his heels with a clear expectation {Name} swallowed, she could feel everyone's eyes on her, from all angles.

Fingers tapping at the strap of the rifle on her shoulder {Name} gave a stiff nod, pushing up the lip of the helmet {Name} knew there was no way of backing out.

Slipping the gun off calmly {Name} took in a slow breath, steadying her fingers as she prepared it to take the shot. Bringing it to level with the shoulder {Name} lined it up, exhaling slowly as the index curled around the trigger.

It was not the first time {Name} used a gun. Though having never used one under the circumstances she was in, and not overly comfortable in using one, the only little assurance was that she knew what she was doing.

Blocking out the feeling of being watched {Name} squeezed the finger down on the trigger. Standing firm against the recoil the rifle was dropped against her side.

Heart thudding loud enough that {Name} almost missed the sharp intakes of air from the men around her, a relieved smile was bitten back when the neck of the bottle rolled off the wall.

Watching what {Name} could only assume was beer flood the wall, the gentle clinks of dropping glass were like music to her ears. The shot was on target, taking out the outer edge of the bottle.

Side glancing Reiner a minute shrug was given to his wide-eyed stare, the brim of his helmet keeping it out of Darius's view he looked back when the man spoke again.

 _"Hm, not bad."_ Fingers gripping his chin Zackly seemed to be carefully inspecting the remaining bottle and wall _"A bit of a dark horse I see."_ With what looked to be a satisfied smile {Name} could only nod in reply.

Turning his back to the wall, Darius put {Name} under a persecuting stare.

The man was apparently not done with whatever he was trying to prove, and the longer he gazed at {Name} the way he was, the quicker her nerves were getting, the better of her.

 _"Take off your shirt."_ Face breaking out into an almost soft smile Zackly appeared to relish in {Name}'s obvious distraught reaction _"Quickly now, boy."_ Putting emphasis on the final word Zackly's brow rose when {Name}'s mouth stuttered, but no sound was made.

Pinching her cheeks between her teeth it hollowed down her face, eyes switching left and right it was clear that no one was able to aid {Name} in this situation.

Passing off the rifle to Gunther their gazes met, though she wished they hadn't. The usually warm gaze was painted in pity. Gunther knew just as {Name} did, that the outcome of this was not going to be in {Name}'s favour.

Fingers closing around the top button {Name} felt as though her throat was swollen, the button releasing it didn't help in the relieving the feeling of being choked.

It would only take two to three buttons to reveal {Name}'s far more pronounced chest, for though her breasts were flattened, it did not hide the natural curve that sloped down to them.

The flesh pushed together; it gave {Name} a rather impressive, but somewhat odd looking bust.

 _"Sir, if I may?"_ From the back line, Erwin spoke up calmly.

Fingers halting just above the button that would reveal all {Name} felt time come to a standstill. If Erwin was making a bid to save her skin, he was cutting it damn fine.

No longer watching what would have been a slow peep show from {Name}, the older man's eyes shot to the back line where {Name} assumed Erwin was _"What is it, Smith?"_

Falling out of line Erwin's boots crunched over the scattered brick debris until he passed by the front line.

 _"I believe you will find Muller's misplaced persecution of our medic,"_ Erwin paused as he came to a standstill a few feet from his superior _"Is in his embarrassment of making an untoward pass at Fuch’s."_

With a straight, and severe face Erwin met Zackly's perplexed and somewhat bemused expression.

 _"Fuch's womanly appearance has caused me an untold amount of issues among the men, wrongly believing that he is a woman in disguise."_ Speaking as though Erwin was aggrieved by the partial lie, he was spouting {Name} watched Kurt's face twist in anger.

 _"I would appreciate if my men were not subjected to public humiliation due to one person's conjecture,"_ flicking a steely gaze to the positively livid Kurt a slow smile crept over Erwin's mouth.

 _"Especially not from a man who is clearly, and rather unhealthily obsessed by the gender of our medic."_ Returning to focusing on Darius a hand reached up to remove his hat, the gloved hand calmly patting down his hair to make sure it was still parted neatly.

_"In truth sir, I believe Kurt Muller is still suffering embarrassment for his blunder on their first meeting."_

Seconds ticked by as neither man spoke, the empty street whistling as a stiff breeze whipped through, {Name}, just like the other men, stood rigidly in awaiting the outcome of Erwin's efforts to steer attention from her.

Though the response did not come from Darius, but from Kurt.

Marching across the street Kurt approached {Name} rapidly, a leg swinging up it caught her right between the legs.

Pain spearing off at all angles {Name} buckled, hands pressed up between her thighs a wheezing breath left her.

Though {Name} did not possess the male genitalia, it hurt nonetheless being kicked between the legs. Hitting straight up against her pelvic bone, the blow was satisfied to leave bruising.

Staggering back {Name} hit against something firm, Reiner and Gunther having moved to restrain Kurt from making any further injury to her person the area broke out into a mixture of shouting and threats.

It only fell quiet when Darius's voice boomed above the mess of sounds requesting their silence.

Bringing her head up {Name} looked towards the man, hoping that the matter would finally be dropped and that she could be left to walk off the pain pulsing in her groin.

"I think it's been made perfectly clear, that there is no issue with your gender." Sounding bored by the fiasco that had just unfolded Darius looked sharply across to where Kurt was still trying to shrug off the two holding him _"I came here on your assurance that this was a genuine issue."_

 _"She I--!"_ trying to continue Kurt was cut off when Darius's hand flicked up.

 _"It has been a total waste of my time. Something I do not appreciate."_ Evident by the tight line in his mouth, Darius was not best pleased with the spectacle he'd just witnessed.

 _"However, your obvious obsession with this poor lad is more of a concern to me."_ Brows narrowing a stiff nod to Reiner and Gunther they returned one of their own, no verbal order given they begun dragging the kicking Kurt down the street.

With a hand on a hip, {Name} stood slowly, legs angled out oddly to keep them pressing together against her aching groin, the other hand held onto Nile's extended one.

Aiding in keeping {Name} upright a gentle pat was placed on her back, a sympathetic smile given when {Name} glanced up at the man.

 _"My apologies lad, for putting you through such an unnecessary ordeal."_ With a curt nod, Darius gave a weak apology for his actions, though {Name} was not about to kick up a fuss and demand a proper one.

A tight smile was given in return to say that she appreciated the gesture.

Waiting until Darius was out of sight {Name} took a few steps, hips wiggling, a moment was undertaken to find a comfortable position to stand in.

It was going to be a day or two before {Name} could walk properly, as for sitting?

That was going to be a different matter altogether.

{Name} could only hope no severe damage was done, as Kurt had undoubtedly not held back when he swung into the kick.

 _"That man has some serious issues."_ Commenting quietly at her side Nile gave {Name} another clap on the back _"At the very least if you'd been a man, you probably would have kissed goodbye to having kids."_ With a hearty laugh, the other men joined with Nile.

Holding back from making a snide remark {Name} shrugged off Nile's hand, walking as best that could be managed without looking a complete fool {Name} done the buttons of her shirt back up, it wasn't as if Nile was to know.

 _"Where you going?"_ Eren's voice cut over the slowly dying laughter.

In the space of a week, {Name} was almost drowned, and then nearly forced to strip down in front of a complete stranger, and a squad of men.

All due to one man. Now, even though {Name} was left in the clear, she had a throbbing groin on top of the on and off headaches since her less than voluntary dip in the canal.

All {Name} wanted to do was go home, to move freely, and not keep having to make excuses to cover for the fact she was a woman. {Name} wasn’t a soldier, never had been.

Yet there she was, being forced to act as one, continuously being strung along and put in harm's way, for a reason she was no longer sure was worth it.

Loving someone had its limits, and, {Name}, was almost at hers.  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for how long it has taken me to update. I had a few issues gaining access to my drive D: However all is good now, and I shall throw up two chapters as further apology! (:

The early signs of winter were upon them. Small and steady rivers of rain traversed the lip of the helmet, serving little use as the ever flippant wind blew it back in {Name}'s face.

Huddled to the wall beside concrete steps {Name} watched Reiner try and angle himself to avoid the cold slap of wind and rain that battered down on them. It was the joys of being posted to watch over the entrance of the building of which an important meeting was taking place.

Across the road, a man wearing a trilby raised a hand, waving it back and forth before calling out to {Name}. Tossing a glance at Reiner for silent permission, he shrugged his broad shoulders, tipping his head forward to say that {Name} should see what the man wanted.

Stepping off from her post, she trotted carefully and warily across the road. Joining the man on the pavement a map and a slip of paper with rough lettering was produced from the man's coat pocket.

Eyes drinking in the wording {Name} tapped to a street a few blocks away on the map.

Giving the map, and the area {Name} pointed to a scrutinised stare, his thin lips formed a tight line, then relaxed _"Are you sure?"_ Questioning {Name} a quick nod was given _"I'm certain."_ Answering swiftly {Name}'s gaze flicked up when the door she was meant to be guarding, opened.

The slip of paper kept under the man's thumb at the edge of the crumpled map was slipped away with subtlety, and hidden in the palm of his hand _"Which way from here then?"_

Bringing his head up as {Name} stretched an arm across him to indicate the left, the wrist flicked to the right to tell him which way to go at the end of the street _"Just go straight after that."_ Voice steady she listened to the man's soft whisperings as something was stowed in {Name}'s pocket.

After a few moments, the map was folded and returned to his pocket, a polite tip of his hat, and he set off down the road.

Conscious of a set of eyes on her, a quick glance back across the road confirmed it. Standing in a huddle at the bottom of the steps Erwin was engaged in conversation, but looking over Mike's shoulder to where she was positioned.

Not wanting to draw suspicion, a quick shrug lifted her shoulders, before she crossed the road in a brisk jog.

Moving into the only open spot on Mike's right, a second was taken to adjust the rifle strap, and allow the paper to be taken from her pocket.

A rough slap on {Name}'s back forcing her to walk, they waited until they'd turned the corner to find out the contents of the note.

Bringing the roughly folded slip out into the centre Mike slid his index between the folds, opening it to expose the words inside.

All heads bowed to catch a glimpse, it was Erwin who spoke first, his hand taking the sheet from Mike for closer inspection.

Thick brows narrowing in the centre of his forehead Erwin flicked his gaze to {Name}'s _"Where did you send him?"_ Not wasting time on small and pointless questions Erwin wanted to get straight to the point.

Running the tip of her tongue across the deep arch at the top of her mouth {Name} informed them that she sent the man to the old industrial estate, just like she'd been told to do.

Running finger and thumb over the bristle of a beard on his chin Mike made a thoughtful humming, eyes dropping to look at {Name} _"They're getting bolder then."_ Commenting sullenly Mike startled when Erwin pushed the paper at him.

Quiet and contemplating Erwin shook his head after a moment _"They're getting desperate."_ Correcting Mike's prior statement the two shared a sharp look, their disagreement on the matter done by a silent exchange of bitter staring, each of them waiting for the other to back down from the intense looks they set on each other.

Mike bowed first, head angling away his chin jutted out to Reiner _"Give the men a quick briefing."_ Ordering the burly blonde away, a smart click of Reiner's boots signalled his departure.

Partnered with Reiner as usual for the day {Name} intended to leave with him. That was the idea at least until Erwin put a stop to it. Calling {Name} back, Mike was sent along with Reiner in her stead.

A move, Mike facially expressed his dislike of but kept silent on.

Watching after Reiner and Mike unease settled in the pit of {Name}'s stomach, a quick glance thrown over Mike's shoulder he tipped his head at {Name} before vanishing from her sight.

The wariness in his eyes not gone amiss.

Facing Erwin when his boots scuffed the pavement {Name} raised a brow curiously, Erwin's brilliant but intense eyes downturned to meet with {Name}'s the corner of his mouth twitched.

 _"Where did you actually send him?"_ Trapping {Name} under an interrogating gaze, it made her squirm.

Biting at the edge of her lip {Name} turned her gaze to the wall beside them. The red bricks burnt black in patches from the recent allied bombing _"A street, most of it is abandoned. The buildings are barely standing."_ Answering somewhat coyly a smile traversed her mouth when Erwin relaxed his posture, his finger tapping under her chin _"Well done."_

With a hand guiding around {Name}'s back, the invite to walk beside Erwin was responded to a little too eagerly.

Angling away to hide the flush of her skin when Erwin laughed beside {Name}, a finger stretched from the rifle strap to run down her nose.

Being that it was impossible to spend time with Erwin as a couple, {Name} took joy in the small snippets of time that they were not attending to their duties. Also free of Kurt and his dogged persecution of her, it allowed {Name} to relax to some extent.

In the weeks after her near drowning, and the close call with {Name}'s exposure, they'd relaxed her duties. Allowing time for recuperation, she'd been posted with Nile doing rounds.

Though far more comfortable to practice her profession, it also meant being exposed to far too many undressed men than she was entirely comfortable with.

No stranger to the naked male form, {Name} discovered quickly that the men were far from shy in boasting of their, parts. Or for that matter, showing them with ease.

After complaining that she'd seen enough of the male anatomy to last her a lifetime, Erwin paired her with Reiner who acted almost like his personal guard.

Keeping an eye over the buildings of which essential meetings were being held, was a pleasant exchange.

It was in the process of the change in duties, that {Name} became affiliated with members of the French resistance.

Caught unawares going between their residence and meeting up with the guys, {Name} was forced into revealing her true identity. With a knife to her throat, {Name} spouted a not so deviated truth.

It saved her skin, barely, but placed her in an unwelcome position.

Having already been faced with double-crossing Erwin and the others with her encounter with Dot Pixis, {Name} unwittingly put herself right back in the same position.

This time around, however, she'd been able to smooth out some of the risks she faced.

Bringing it to Erwin's attention, he'd been surprisingly calm.

Though it didn't take long for {Name} to discover why. Erwin held the suspicion that Erd had not been the only turncoat among them for some time. A fact that renewed {Name}'s guilt over Erd's cruel demise.

It was her fault he'd faced a kangaroo court.

Unable to come clean, without telling Erwin that she'd intended to betray him, it kept her silence on the matter.

Once more it reminded {Name} of how cowardly she truly was. Willing to do anything, if it meant saving her skin.

The French resistance thought they'd hit the jackpot, finding someone with access to intelligence within the German ranks. Erwin however, saw it as an opportunity to flush out the rat still among them.

If only Erwin knew the whole truth, it would make for a very different insight on the entire affair. Still holding her tongue on the name that was scrawled by his father on the back of his final letter, it left a foul taste in her mouth.

Over a year before, {Name} proclaimed that she loved the man walking in silence beside her.

Erwin too admitted that it was a feeling very much reciprocated. It made {Name} wonder if he'd feel the same if he knew how deep her backstabbing went. In truth, she had the blade so far in his back, that the handle was almost lost within it.

Somehow {Name} managed to get herself so tightly wound in her lies, that it scared her. To know that she was capable of being so wily, to be able to continue on as though she was not guilty of an innocent man's death.

To be trusted so much by these men, that they accepted whatever left her mouth without question.

 _"You're too quiet."_ Erwin's voice tore through {Name}, its calmness a shocking contrast to the raging storm of conflicted thoughts and feelings that were doing circuits in her mind.

Lifting her head, {Name} realised Erwin had stopped walking.

Remaining a good few steps behind she blinked up at him. Face set and furrowed in confusion Erwin inclined his head to the building he was stood outside of.

Confused {Name} drifted cautiously after Erwin when he ducked inside the gutted building. It looked as though only its exterior had remained unscathed by the recent bombing.

Kicking at the brick and plaster that carpeted what looked to once be wooden flooring {Name} was barely across the threshold before a hand closed on the front of her coat.

Surprised {Name} took a second to respond to Erwin. Mouth closing on hers, Erwin's hand flicked off her helmet, letting it roll across the debris as he walked them deeper into the building.

Fingers hastily undoing the others belt {Name} broke the kiss when Erwin's hands went to slide down her trousers.

 _"We can't."_ Panting {Name}'s forehead pressed to Erwin's _"What if we get caught?"_ Expressing concern for Erwin and herself being found in a position that would put them under intense questioning, she was surprised by the smirk that tainted the edges of his mouth.

Leaning back in Erwin placed a trail of kisses across {Name}'s jaw, leading them to the lobe of her ear, his breath heated against it _"The prospect of being caught, is what makes this even more enticing."_ Quietly ambling his reasoning behind his unexpected and dangerous advance {Name} didn't have time to respond.

Tugging down her trousers, Erwin's arm wrapped at her waist turning her around to face the wall he'd led them to.

Fingers scraping at the cracked and chipped bricks {Name} steadied her legs when Erwin pressed his weight on her back, a handballed to a fist, she bit down around the knuckle of her index finger.  



	8. Chapter 8

The expression 'it had gone to the dogs' had never felt more appropriate than in that moment.

The setup had backfired. The French resistance being one step ahead, they'd fixed up the area with wires attached to the pins of grenades. One triggered by a misplaced and unsuspecting foot, the effect had been like dominoes.

Over the roar of the tempestuous blaze that took hold each man that was still standing announced their status. A thick fog of smoke obscuring most of their sights, it was only their voices that brought some relief.

The apprehension of each man noticeable as they waited to hear who'd made it through.

Creeping closer and closer {Name} knew it would soon be her turn. Mouth thick with soot and smoke, it mixed to create a thick paste with the blood that spilt from a tear in her tongue.

A bone-deep pulsing in the back of her left arm, her fingers became stiff from where she kept them pressed up against the steady current of blood that poured across them.

When it came to {Name}'s turn to announce that she was still breathing, she stayed silent.

All of {Name}'s attention was on the man lying by her knees, her body curled down to give him her ear as he whispered his final words. In truth {Name} couldn't pick out a single word over the blood thundering in her ears, but she couldn't bring herself to be so cruel and let him believe that no one was listening to him.

A single hand clawed in the front of {Name}'s shirt, keeping her close enough to feel the frantic rise and fall of his chest. Occasionally a nod was given, a meagre display that she understood what he was saying, or probably asking of her.

Across the way, a person shouted her name. It was only those two who'd failed to respond to the roll call. Again and again, the sound of her name rose above the roar of the fire and crackling of wood, but she remained tight-lipped.

In time the smoke would clear, or they would stumble across her. Until then she would focus solely on the man laid at her knees. It was far more important to be with him, then viciously announce that she was still breathing, as he drew closer to taking his last.

With each tick of the watch on her wrist, his speech faded. The hold on her shirt weak and falling slack, it eventually slid down her chest, settling on her extended arm.

Gunther's eyes were open and glassy. Reflecting the macabre dance of the fire that showed no signs of slowing around them. Carefully {Name} removed her hands from the opening in Gunther's back, the hole tore through the soft skin when he'd set off the first grenade.

  
Being stood beside Gunther, they'd both watched the grenade roll across the concrete towards them. The crates which {Name} had been pushed behind taking the majority of the blow, Gunther had not been as fortunate as {Name}.

It wasn't until the final grenade triggered that {Name} became aware of what happened.

The deafening explosions, the shouting, burning and collapsing of the surrounding buildings all came together at once. It sent {Name}'s mind into disarray.

Running a hand down Gunther's face {Name} was shocked by how pale his complexion became in his death. A fact that should not have surprised her at all but managed to catch her off guard. It had been some time since she witnessed death in its raw and cruellest form.

A break in the thick, almost black, smoke brought {Name}'s eyes flickering across Gunther's lifeless body. A pair of boots with a torn trouser leg broke through the carnage that spilt around them.

Giving Gunther a glance {Name} didn't need to speak, the slow shake of her head words enough Mike dropped onto one knee, the rifle in his hand rested on the ground _"We called for you."_ Examining Gunther in one sweep of his eyes Mike turned his attention to {Name}.  
Cracking apart the edge of her mouth, the previously stored blood rushed out, dribbling across her quivering chin.

It was excuse enough for her silence, {Name} didn't want to begin explaining that she'd been forced into pretending to listen to Gunther's final words.

As though Mike's presence subsided the shock, {Name} didn't think when she threw her body across Gunther's and into Mike's arms. Fingers twisting tight in the front of his shirt {Name} buried her cries in his chest when he wrapped an arm around her.

One hand cupping the back of {Name}'s head, Mike hushed her, his body swaying as if to soothe a child {Name} went along with the calming rhythm.

Eventually, after some time, Mike patted {Name}'s back firmly. Untangling their bodies from each other, she ran the sleeve of her shirt across her face. It came away in a mix of black and red, a combination of soot, blood and tears.

Staggering to her feet {Name} couldn't bring herself to look down at Gunther when a pair of turquoise eyes appeared through the dissipating smoke. A cloth bundled over his mouth and nose Eren visibly bulked, but did little else, when he found Gunther's body laid out unceremoniously in the rubble and dirt.

It was Eren's reaction, or rather lack of, that proved to {Name} just how desensitised to death they all were. When Eren turned away and raised a hand, waving it as though to beckon someone over, {Name} turned her attention back to where Mike was still crouched. Running the back of his hand across his chin, Mike stared off at some distant point.

It brought the unlikeliest, and inconsiderate thought to the forefront of {Name}'s mind.  
Mike was always there when Erwin was not.

With a hand wrapping around a wrist, Eren pulled {Name} through the billowing smoke, a hand used to cup her mouth, she finally felt the sting of her eyes and the searing pain in her arm.

  
On the other side of the smoke, it was chaos. Flames licked callously at the old buildings, some debris that was scattered in the blasts spread across the street, acting as small beacons to guide the others back to the middle of the road.

Bodies were running back and forth, attempting to put out the fires. In the epicentre of the calamity unfolding around them, was Erwin. Handing out orders, and trying to assess the damage of the events, it made {Name} feel remorseful of her earlier thought.

Of course, Mike could be present at times Erwin couldn't. Erwin balanced far more responsibility on his shoulders than the others. To think otherwise of him had been selfish. They were in a war, and Erwin was a commanding officer, not a foot soldier.

When it came between {Name} and Erwin's duties, she placed second on his priorities. A fact she'd always been aware of, but often selfishly forgot.

Profile illuminated in an orange hue {Name} could just make out Erwin's expression. It was taught, hair falling out of its usual neat parting, parts of it were painted red, as was a section of his forehead.

It was not just Erwin's head, but his hand that looked to have come away scathed. Fingers curled and trembling blood dripped from the centre of his hands, twisting and winding around the fingers.

Briefly catching Erwin's eye, there was no change in his expression. Turning away at the exact moment Erwin did, everyone's attention fell on the house being ravaged in flames. An aggressive growling from the roof was accompanied by a quieter howl of the supporting brickwork.

As if they were all in sync, everyone scrambled back from the house as the roof collapsed inwards. Throwing out a new wave of thick black smoke {Name} used the sleeve of her shirt to filter the air.

It was hot, her skin sweating beneath her clothes from its intensity, she was not the only one suffering.

By the blackness of the smoke, it dawned far too late, that it was not intended for any of them to come away with just a few scrapes. {Name} hadn't noticed it at first, but there was a strong chemical smell that accompanied the flames.

Petroleum. The buildings had been slathered in oil. It explained why the grenades going off, had such a devastating effect on the structures.

Pressure closing on the upper left arm {Name} went to cry out from the pain that zipped through the skin and muscle.

Instead, the sound was caught by a hand, a deep exhale of breath fluttering the hair that fell loose around her ears _"Did you know this was going to happen?"_ The accusation made {Name}'s heart flinch, Erwin had never sounded so angry with her.

Shaking her head {Name} cried out again when Erwin dug a finger into the split in her arm, it sent white spots dancing across her eyes.

 _"Who did you tell about the second location?"_ With each word Erwin applied more pressure, it made {Name} squirm.

Through the pain, {Name} tried to coordinate her thoughts. Other than Erwin, there was no one else who'd known of the second location that she'd given the man earlier that morning.

Their presence at the second location was meant to be a premeditated move. To draw out as many of the French resistance movement. Erwin hoped it would have also outed the person feeding them information from within his squad. Other than {Name}, no one was supposed to have known the reason for their presence at the old abandoned street.

Someone, however, managed to tip the French off, and it wasn't {Name}. It gave them the advantage of turning the abandoned street into a minefield that Erwin and the others had waltzed straight into.

{Name} knew, though, that the mole within them hadn't been caught out waiting to make the exchange of arms at the first site either. They were still among them. All of Erwin's planning had been for nothing, and it left {Name} looking like the guilty party.

 _"I didn't say, anything."_ Panting the words against Erwin's palm, the tear in her tongue singed with the forming of each word, sending more blood spilling across the muscle.

Trying to plead her case {Name} was relieved when Erwin let up the pressure on her arm, his hand forcing her to stumble forward as she bowed under the agonising throb in her arm.

Coughing out the liquid that filled her mouth {Name} tossed a glare at Erwin, though it was missed as Erwin had turned his back on her.

Whatever trust she'd managed to rebuild with Erwin, looked to have been swept away by that night's events. It left {Name} back at square one, and she doubted that Erwin would open back up to her, again.  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I somehow managed to forget to upload this chapter???

Besides Gunther, they'd all come away relatively unscathed. Each baring some sign of the night's events, they were lucky to have only received a few cuts and splinters. Nothing, though, in the realm of life-threatening.

 

Their worst casualty was Armin. The small lad's shoulder dislocated, it took Nile holding him still for {Name} to force the joint back into its socket. Even the cut in {Name}'s arm was nowhere near as bad as Erwin made it feel. It was a deep slash at most that with a few quick stitches Nile had tidied up.

 

Unknown to {Name} at the time when she'd thrown herself at him, Mike had received a deep slash across his stomach. At the time of trying to calm {Name} down, he'd made no hint that she was in fact, pressing right against the wound.

 

Sharing the workload between Nile and herself, they gathered in the common room of bed and breakfast. Picking out splinters and shrapnel, sewing up deep cuts and, in Reiner's case, removing his thumbnail altogether.

 

Eventually, the bodily repairs dwindled down to Mike and Erwin. Standing over the coffee table Nile and {Name} swapped out their gloves for clean pairs, neither speaking in regards to whom they'd see too.

 

Meeting one another's gaze Nile's eyes flicked left and right, {Name}'s responding by going to the right, Nile plodded over to where Erwin was occupying a footstool. The cut on his hand was bone deep.

 

Picking up the small tray containing all that {Name} would need to patch Mike up, she paused when passing Reiner. The thick bandaging on his thumb a point of amusement as the guys drew a face on it as Reiner bobbed it back and forth and mimicked a woman's voice.

 

The laughter was welcoming, but it was also hollow. Each of them was trying to distract themselves from the emptiness Gunther's death had left. Their group's numbers were dropping, and by the strain on their faces, they were feeling it.

 

It was no longer a question of where they would be in a years time, but who would be left standing.

 

Sliding the tray on the bureau, Mike was leaning against {Name} tapped the hand that held the cloth over his stomach. The lean muscle surrounding the opening that started at his hip, before careening off up to the middle of his chest, quivered. The hair that covered the skin up from his hips, creating a thin trail to his belly button matted by blood.

 

Carefully {Name} poked the edges of the ripped skin, small metal fragments stabbing at her fingertip she sighed heavily. The skin would need to be cut away.

 

Picking up the small bottle of morphine {Name} shook it. A cocky smile travelling Mike's mouth as he refused the painkiller.

 

Slipping her fingers in the allocated hoops of the surgical scissors {Name} flipped up the first edge of ripped skin "You'll regret that." Commenting quietly {Name} pushed one of the scissor blades under the skin before closing it sharply and making the first cut.

Easing through the skin, {Name} paused when Mike ran the back of his fingers down her cheek. Moving closer his jaw skimmed the top of her head, before whispering a few, crude, words against her ear.

Certainly not in the mood for Mike's obvious arousal {Name} dug the pointed tip of the scissors into his already torn skin.

 

Mike's leg kicked back against the bureau, his back arching to pull his stomach away from the scissors as {Name} dug the heel of her boot onto the tips of his toes "Christ!" Almost shouting Mike, drew the attention of the room, all of them falling quiet as all eyes fell on them.

 

Sucking her lips against her teeth {Name} straightened up when Mike curled off the bureau, his forehead knocking on her shoulder as he did.

 

"Nile," throwing down the scissors {Name} snapped off the gloves "We're swapping." Announcing the change in plans, Nile bobbed his head, himself still only in the process of cleaning up Erwin's hand.

 

Dropping into the seat once Nile moved {Name} picked up Erwin's hand roughly, digging her thumb just below the deep opening. Watching each finger curl into the palm {Name} huffed "No nerve damage." Clipping out the sentence with some disappointment {Name} picked up one of the soaked cotton balls Nile previously prepared, dabbing it lightly across the wound.

 

Legs split so that the leg Erwin was propping his hand on slid between hers; he swung his knee in lightly. Giving Erwin a brief glance, she resumed cleaning his hand.

 

"How is your arm?" Quiet yet blunt, Erwin inquired after {Name}'s own wound. A soft scoff coming at his sudden turnabout attitude {Name} looked up as she cocked her head at him "Still attached."Responding sarcastically, {Name} begrudged the small smile that eased the tension in Erwin's jaw.

 

Leaning forward suddenly, Erwin caught her mouth with his before she could utter another word. Almost like Erwin had forgotten where they were, his ok hand cupped the back of her neck, bringing her closer and deeper into the kiss.

 

{Name} wanted to throw Erwin off in retaliation for his earlier treatment, but at the same time, a part of her was relieved.

 

Breaking away Erwin's hand tightened in {Name}'s hair as he pressed his forehead against hers "I'm sorry." Barely whispering the apology, Erwin released {Name} when she sat back abruptly.

 

Confused to the reason behind the apology, a narrowed gaze was placed upon Erwin when he settled back "I know you didn't tell anyone." Admitting quietly to his fault Erwin nudged his wounded hand at {Name}, encouraging her to continue.

 

Preparing to stitch {Name} hummed quietly, an index finger purposefully jabbed at the nick on his forehead "If you had used your head, you would have known I didn't have a chance to say anything to anyone." Speaking quietly {Name} looked away when Erwin mustered a coy smile.

 

After giving the man directions, {Name} had not left Erwin's side at all. The opportunity to alert anyone on his proposed plan of action simply was not there. Glad that Erwin was able to realise that error, {Name} calmed a little.

 

Head down to concentrate on patching Erwin up, a small smile came when Erwin's chin dropped to rest on her head "I keep breaking my promise," lightly touching the stitches hidden under {Name}'s shirt Erwin sighed quietly "I keep putting you in harm's way." Sounding regretful of the fact he'd not once been able to keep the promise he'd made almost two years prior {Name} knocked her head up against his.

 

Their situation was not exactly desirable, and albeit that Erwin placed her in danger on many occasions, she'd been somewhat deserving of them. It made her heart ache that she just could not bring herself to tell him the whole truth. {Name} was terrified by the idea that Erwin would not be able to forgive her.

 

"I'm still breathing aren't I?" Trying to make light on Erwin's apparent guilt {Name} slid out from under his chin, a half smile pulling up the corner of her mouth when Erwin assented to her question.

 

An eruption of noise from the far corner of the room brought both of them to find out its source.

 

Somewhere along the process of stitching Mike up, it looked as if Nile received a thump to the head. Or at least that was {Name}'s interpretation of why Nile was holding the top of his head as Mike scowled down at him.

The others cajoling and mocking whatever had unfolded between the two men {Name} was ready to laugh along with them, but her heart made a rapid decline into her stomach when Erwin murmured two quiet words.

 

"Why him?"

 

Facing Erwin again, {Name} discovered an expression on him, she never thought possible. Erwin looked wounded emotionally, his usually hardened eyes expressing a weakness as they laid upon Mike.

 


	10. Chapter 10

_"I understand, to a point."_ Gliding effortlessly from his mouth, the man curled back his thin lips. Baring tobacco stained teeth as his tongue continued to lash vicious words.

_"To have everything you've loved and known torn out of your hands, I can understand your desperation to latch onto something, to him."_ Enunciating every word clearly to further drive the verbal knife in {Name}'s chest, it made her throat swell as she struggled to contain her want to cry.

 

The man raised the hat back to his head, hiding away the salt and pepper hair she hoped that he was finished. It looked as though the message the man was paid to relay, was at an end when he stepped to the mouth of the alley, but he paused.

 

_ "I thought you needed to be reminded that he is the man who shattered your little world. Openly mocked and ridiculed you. The man who you took not one, but two bullets for, when he would readily put one in your back if it gave him an advantage." _

 

At the mention of the shots, {Name}'s head snapped up. Eyes wide in the revelation that someone inside the SS unit {Name} moved amongst, was aware of the truth behind her being shot. Not once did {Name} utter a word to the snake of a man, about the events surrounding the woods.

 

Satisfied that the message looked to have done its job, the man tipped his hat at {Name}, before sliding away into the busy street.

 

Fist pounding the wet and slippery brick of the wall she was resting against, {Name} bit harshly on her lip. It was a clever ploy, to pay another person to deliver a message. It was direct, but in a way that would not arouse suspicion, or draw unwanted attention to him.

 

Like the creeper he was, he kept an arm's length from the treacherous games he was playing.

 

It hurt to admit, but he was right. The message struck painfully true chords in {Name}'s chest, or at the very least, made her question her choices.

 

At the start {Name} protected the individual that turned his back on his comrades. It gave {Name} a sense of power, knowing she could let him continue to rip the unit apart from within. 

 

It was the starting goal when {Name} first read the name, then gave Erd's as a false one to Erwin.

 

It was a test, back then in the cottage. A chance to see if Erwin would put the same faith and trust in her, that his father did.

 

Outright, it didn't work, Erwin was not foolish enough to believe her sudden change of heart after discovering the link between Private Tommy and him.

 

It was in the odd normality they all fell into, that saw {Name}'s change in heart. Against better judgement, she'd fallen in love. The bitter resentment Erwin bred in her with Levi's death, and their arrival was washed away when she reciprocated Erwin's feelings.

 

Even when faced with her prospective death, or turning her coat on Erwin. Ultimately she'd chosen Erwin, even if her intentions were not honest, she opted to betray him in a hope to stay with him.

 

It was a confused and conflicted mess of thoughts, ideas and feelings that landed {Name} where she was.

 

The man's reiterated message pushed another thought up, one that she'd fought to the back of her mind many a time.

 

Was {Name} truly in love with Erwin? Or desperate for something secure to keep a hold on?

 

Since their first meeting {Name} was very nearly stabbed, she was shot twice, almost drowned. And more recently, almost blown up.

 

Being with Erwin was the very cause of all the incidents.

 

Being with Erwin was the very cause of her becoming a widow. Erwin was one of the causes of her being destitute. Erwin was also the reason she was forced to conceal her gender. {Name} had nothing left, because of him.

 

Still, she desperately held onto Erwin and the idea that he would be worth all the heartache, at the end of it all.

 

A sharp pain behind the temples made {Name}'s eyes squint against the pain. Mind sifting through the thoughts at too fast a pace to keep up with, it brought on a headache.

 

Again {Name} felt her mind and heart were at war with each other. Rational thought was trying to overtake her ever whimsical heart, it left {Name} feeling like she was in no man's land.

 

Was it all just another clever ploy to drag her back over to assisting the snake within the group? Or was she truly willing to go through hell and back, just to be with the man she knew without a doubt she loved, regardless of what her head kept telling her.

Pushing off from the wall {Name} resigned herself to possibly never knowing, or even understanding what kept her at Erwin's side. 

 

Lowering the helmet a fraction to conceal waterlogged eyes, she trudged with some defeat to the entrance of the alley.

 

Parked in the middle of the road was a canvas van, as was expected. The fresh supplies being taken off the back, it was Mike's job to tick them off after inspecting them. Beside Mike, was Erwin. 

 

Overseeing the delivery, neither man engaged the other in conversation. There was not even an attempt at small talk or eye contact.

 

Already a visible wall between them when {Name} met them. It looked as though the interaction she'd shared with both, created more reason for a divide in them. 

 

Rarely a word spoken together outside of what they needed to communicate, it created an air of friction within the group.

 

In time, Mike took his attention from the clipboard, Erwin's hand out and waiting to take it, Mike's lips curved at the very corners.

 

With more force than necessary, the clipboard slapped down into Erwin's waiting, and bandaged hand. Gaze growing a fraction wider Erwin finally looked at Mike, the shake of his wounded hand visible on the wobble of the clipboard.

 

Mike's head nodded to the board as he rocked back on the heel of his boots, nonplussed by Erwin's expression.

 

Resuming a calm demeanour Erwin looked through the papers, a quick flick of a pen, and he'd signed them off. 

 

Flipping the board horizontal, he swung it into Mike's stomach, his other hand patting firmly at the board as Mike squirmed, his back hunching as a taught smile covered for the painful twist in his mouth.

 

Their intentional aggravation of each other's wounds looked to {Name} initially a cause for more distance between them.

 

Except, after a few moments, both of them, gave a smile. It wasn't heartfelt, but more amused by their antics.

 

_"Looks like they're finally on good terms."_ From nowhere Reiner appeared, Bertholdt, Eren and Armin trailing up behind him across the pavement.

 

Confused {Name} eyed Reiner, prompting him to continue as he settled on a crate. Ready to divulge all that he knew, Reiner was cut off when Armin interrupted.

Fingers wiggling at the edge of the sling supporting his arm Armin shook his head, blonde hair whipping back and forth _"It's not our place to discuss the commander and the captain's personal business."_ Between nervousness and reprimanding Armin levelled a gaze on Reiner who snorted in reply.

 

Taking the toothpick that had been bobbing from the corner of his mouth out Reiner flicked it at Armin _"Smith shot Mike, simple as that."_ He spouted a shortened version of events before Armin could interrupt again.

 

Bewildered, {Name} looked between the four men. Only Reiner kept eye contact, the other three finding interest in the sky, road and a lamppost.

 

It looked to be a matter that was not open for discussion like Armin had previously mentioned. Their lack of openness on the matter, only drawing {Name}'s curiosity more _"Why?"_ Asking the simple question {Name} looked to Reiner for an answer.

 

Throwing a glance to the two men in question, Reiner shrugged his heavy set shoulders _"The reason is a mystery even to us,"_ talking quietly Reiner dropped his gaze to meet with {Name}'s _"But from a guess, it was something to do with Smith's dad dying."_

Giving the brief history of Erwin and Mike's fractured friendship {Name}'s mind wandered. 

 

The memory of Mike's naked body still relatively fresh, she could almost feel the scar that sat over his shoulder and chest. At some point {Name} even commented on it, mentioning that he'd been lucky. For if it was one inch more to the left, and a little lower, he would have died.

 

Mike had said nothing about it, other than he wasn't surprised. A comment that confused {Name} at the time, but now made sense.

 

Erwin was a skilled marksman, he'd never missed a shot to {Name}'s knowledge.

 

If what Reiner said was true, it meant Erwin had taken aim at Mike with the intention of putting him down. {Name} could only guess Erwin had a last second change of heart, manoeuvring the shot to endanger Mike's life, but not ultimately end it.

 

It was almost like Erwin had delivered the bullet to Mike, as a warning.


	11. Chapter 11

Tracing the grooves of Erwin's palm {Name} continued to absently ramble. 

 

The environment calm and leaving {Name} feeling secure she'd opened up a little when Erwin asked what she remembered about herself before falling into the trench. 

 

_"We were visiting my aunt,"_ {Name}'s mouth pinched at the corner _"She'd married a French businessman. I know that their house was big."_ Or at least for the then five-year-old {Name}, it looked big to her, like a castle.

 

Carefully shaking the dust of the long abandoned memories {Name} tapped the centre of Erwin's palm as her mind strained. It had been so long since she'd thought about any of it, that it felt almost detached from her.

 

Earlier in the afternoon, Erwin announced that they were all relieved of their duties until the following afternoon. Wanting the men to catch a break and relax given the night before where they'd had to bury Gunther, it was a welcomed offer by all.

 

At first {Name} intended to join the others, a stiff drink feeling more than a little needed given everything that had unfolded in less than a day, she changed her mind on finding Erwin sitting alone in the living room.

 

_"I can't remember my mother much,"_ continuing {Name} paused in her thoughts _"Just that she used to shout at my dad a lot."_

 

The fragmented memory of her mother standing on a doorstep crept forward, it made her laugh _"Hein. You'll put me in an early grave."_ Repeating the phrase her mother spouted often, her arm swung out in a wide arc, mimicking how her mothers did when she reprimanded {Name}'s father _"My mother was right, I should have been a nun and married Jesus."_ Close to cackling {Name} calmed herself, bringing her arm back to fall on her stomach.

 

Sighing {Name} adjusted her head, making it more comfortable in Erwin's lap _"My dad never liked when she said that. He was a Catholic, though he never went to church."_

Dragging the bottom lip between her teeth {Name} felt a lump form in her throat. 

 

Not once did {Name} ever discuss her true parentage with Levi. Their whole married life, she let him believe she was born and raised in France. 

 

It was odd, to be so open with the man who'd taken Levi from her.

 

_"We used to travel between Germany and France every summer I think,"_ disguising her upset with a cheery tone {Name} continued on _"It's how I was able to speak both languages. My aunt insisted I knew how to speak French when we visited."_

 

Flicking her tongue across her lips {Name} matched her fingers with Erwin's _"My memories of being in the hospital are clearer than those of being with my parents."_ Admitting quietly that it was a struggle to recall her childhood {Name} tipped her head to look up at Erwin.

  
  


With the bandaged hand stroking through {Name}'s hair, she discovered he was gazing at her. 

 

Relaxed and open facially, Erwin gave a smile, his fingers slipping away from {Name}'s to slide in the gaps between _"It's expected, you were very young."_ Speaking carefully Erwin nudged their connected hands against {Name}'s cheek, in return {Name} squeezed his fingers.

 

Throughout the letters Private Tommy sent he'd given details of his son, Erwin. It left {Name} feeling like she knew him personally, it was like a connection to a person who grew up alongside her.

 

On learning the boy, who'd grown into a man in the letters was the very man she was resting with, had been a shock. 

 

It threw out the window everything she'd thought of the little blue-eyed boy his father described. The blue-eyed man, that in a strange way she'd grown to love through the letters.

 

Meeting Erwin in person had been a bitter disappointment. 

 

Unlike how Erwin expressed {Name} looked just as he imagined. It was the opposite for {Name}. The mental image she'd built, was a total contrast to the man who'd turned up on her doorstep.

 

_"How old are you?"_ With a furrowed brow {Name}'s neck crooked, trying to look at Erwin properly, it was not entirely possible with the angle.

 

At the question, Erwin jolted a laugh that wasn't quite a laugh. Removing the hand from {Name}'s hair, the index finger ran across his lips _"How old do you think I am?"_ Speaking around his hand, Erwin cocked his head, the hand providing a rest after he placed his elbow on the armrest of the sofa.

 

At a guess {Name} placed Erwin around her age, and she was close to approaching her thirty-first birthday _"You're at least older than me,"_ she deduced, Erwin's brow rising at the comment {Name}'s gaze scrutinised his face _"Thirty-four? Maybe thirty-six?"_ Giving her best guess {Name} watched the corners of Erwin's mouth twitch.

 

_"Not even close."_ Responding in a low tone, Erwin turned his head away _"I'm twenty-eight."_ Giving his age {Name} pressed up on her elbows rapidly, twisting to look back at him _"You're younger than me?!"_ Startled at the idea {Name} almost shouted at Erwin.

 

A sly grin rippled Erwin's lips _"Would that be a problem if I were?"_ Questioning whether {Name} would feel differently toward him if she'd known he was younger, {Name}'s shoulders slumped, her chin dropping onto her chest _"Probably not."_ Muttering quietly {Name} tilted her head to rest on a shoulder. 

 

Drawing her body up {Name} turned on the settee, tucking under Erwin's arm she draped her legs across his _"You're not twenty-eight, though, are you?"_ With a sidelong glance {Name} caught the tenseness in his mouth as he restrained a smile _"I'm almost forty."_ Finally giving an honest answer, Erwin met {Name}'s side on gaze.

 

Resting on Erwin's shoulder, it gave {Name} the perfect reason to stop looking at him. 

 

At that moment, it made her heart twist painfully to witness how open, and even playful Erwin was willing to be with her. It was a far cry from the days where Erwin wouldn't even loosen up his posture around her.

 

In the time {Name} gained his trust, she'd sold it on to others. Willingly and selfishly scattering it to the highest bidder, or to who offered {Name} the better deal.

 

Running both hands together {Name} felt an overwhelming desire to open her mouth and divulge everything. Even if it meant losing Erwin for good, he'd at least know just how cruel the woman he'd fallen in love with, was. It would remove the rosy tint Erwin looked at her with.

 

_"Erwin I,"_ opening her mouth {Name} kept her head down, sensing that if she'd looked at him, her will to come clean would vanish, she dragged in a deep breath _"I--!"_

 

Cut off by a commotion coming from the hall both Erwin and {Name} sat up in alarm.

The cause for alarm dying when Erwin slumped back in the settee, his fingers pinching and rubbing at the corners of his eyes when a chorus of shushes and womanly giggles drifted through the living room doors.

 

The guys were back, with female company in tow.

 

Rising from the chair Erwin straightened his uniform, a sternness setting on his features, he looked every bit the commander that he was.

 

_"Leave them."_ Laying a hand on Erwin's arm {Name} gave a gentle pull to bring him back to sitting beside her.

 

Though Erwin acquiesced {Name}, he did not look pleased in doing so. That made further clearer when he commented that the men should not be fraternising openly with the women of their enemies.

 

The words made {Name} swallow down her want to come clean.

 

_"Boys will be boys."_ Commenting quietly {Name} felt an odd pang in her gut, her mind wandering and wanting to know if Mike was among those who'd brought home a female guest. It left a foul taste in her mouth just thinking about it. 

 

It also made {Name} realIse just how cruel she could be, to be sitting with the man she claimed to love, yet thinking and feeling jealous at the prospect that Mike could be lying between the sheets with another woman in a few short minutes.

 

_"Besides,"_ distracting her thoughts with another {Name} leant back in the settee, a longer pause than intended as what sounded like a person tripping on the steps came from the other side of the doors _"Were you not the first to fraternise with the enemy?"_

 

Bringing his gaze around from the door Erwin glanced back over his shoulder at {Name}. A curve in one brow {Name} mustered a smile that reciprocated Erwin's.

 

Resting back beside {Name}, she crossed a leg with Erwin's, the other tucked underneath her body he sat a hand on her thigh. 

 

Head turned, Erwin placed a kiss on {Name}'s forehead, his hand stroking lightly across her cheek _"That was different."_ Talking quietly Erwin rested his head on {Name}'s.

 

Bringing her body as close as possible to Erwin's side, {Name} settled against his side as he wrapped an arm around her back. 

 

Letting her eyes close {Name} listened to Erwin's gentle breaths, the beating in his chest calm to the point of soothing.

 

The Hall was alive, bright and filled with music. Men and women gliding around the small dance floor, it made {Name}'s feet itch, she wanted to dance.

 

Looking across the table with an expectant smile {Name}'s shoulders sunk when his head shook back and forth. The pint glass halfway to his mouth two fingers extended away, a lit cigarette held between them.

 

Huffing {Name} sat back in the chair _"I want to dance, Levi."_ Sulking {Name} pouted, her fingers tapping the edge of the table.

 

Placing down the glass, Levi propped his elbow on the table, two fingers and a thumb supporting his face _"I don't dance."_ Answering stubbornly Levi met {Name}'s sulking gaze with a challenging one.

 

Sitting forward {Name} reached across the table for Levi's hand, her fingers sliding to fill the gaps she gave a squeeze _"Please. Just one?"_ Imploring him to change his mind {Name} tipped her head to the dance floor _"I promise it will only be one."_ Trying to coerce her husband, she straightened when Levi appeared to relent.

 

Stubbing the cigarette out Levi finished the rest of his drink. 

 

A hand on the back of the chair it pushed out slowly as he made to stand _"We're going to look like a pair of kids drunk on juice."_ Grumbling as he walked around the table Levi offered out his hand _"As long as you understand that, may I have this dance?"_

 

Taking Levi's hand {Name} smiled _"You win my heart that little bit more with your romantic efforts."_ Teasing gently she joined his side as he guided her to an open spot on the floor.

 

With a hand around her waist, she placed one his shoulder. 

 

Falling into a gentle sway that matched the music, Levi stepped first with the cue of the music. Like they were gliding on air, Levi moved them effortlessly across the dance floor. In truth, it felt like Levi was a gifted dancer, not once stepping on her toes or faltering.

 

With a broad smile {Name} giggled when Levi dipped her suddenly, a kiss placed on her mouth _"Remember this moment,"_ he whispered against her mouth _"It is going to be the only time we do this."_ Though it sounded like a brisk comment, it was warmed with a smile.

 

Bringing them upright Levi beckoned {Name} back to the table, a flush of colour on his usually pale face when a nearby table whistled and whooped at them.

 

Closing their hands together {Name} leant in against Levi's shoulder _"I won't ever forget this moment."_ She whispered, _"Thank you, Levi."_

 

A click of Levi's tongue, he placed a kiss to her temple _"The things I do for you woman."_ Speaking quietly Levi squeezed {Name}'s hand as he guided them through the dancing couples.

 

In time, everything slowed. Their table was insight, but no matter how much they stepped, no progress was made. A man clipped {Name}'s shoulder, forcing her to release Levi's hand and turn.

 

_ "Wake up!" _

 

A shout in the ear roused {Name}, a hand on her shoulder shaking her.

 

_ "Fraulein, wake up!" _

 

The voice was urgent, calling for {Name}'s attention. It forced {Name}'s eyes open. Arm thrown up to remove the person shaking her, a hand ran down her face rubbing at her eyes "What?" Voice heavy with the lingering sleep {Name} pushed up on an elbow.

 

At some stage falling asleep in the living room {Name} discovered Erwin placed his coat over her at some point. The heavy fabric slipping away as {Name} sat up.

 

Behind the sofa Bertholdt was in a nervous fit, his hands no longer shaking {Name} they wrung together as a sweat built on his forehead _"We-we need you upstairs."_ Frantic Bertholdt pointed up at the ceiling.

 

Still not quite awake {Name} couldn't make sense of Bertholdt's urgency _"Why?"_ Yawning the question {Name} felt a cold overcome her body when he answered.

Nile was dead. And it was most definitely murder.


	12. Chapter 12

Each step heavier than the last {Name} exited the living room after Bertholdt. In the hall a line of women in varying states of dress stood, weeping. Opposite three soldiers kept them in place with hateful eyes, and the arms they'd taken up to stop any attempt to flee. 

{Name} looked at each of the women in turn, with a pity-laden stare. In return, they silently pleaded for {Name}'s help. There was none {Name} could offer in that time.

Upstairs, had a very different aura from the one below. It was sad, shocked and tainted with anger. Behind the bannister, the very first room anyone came to when climbing the stairs, was Nile's. Pale and balancing on the railing was Reiner, beside him Armin patted his broad back.

{Name} guessed Reiner was the one who discovered Nile, and by the sickened pallor, {Name} could only assume what she was about to lay eyes on, was far from pretty.

Going to stand beside Reiner, Bertholdt waved a hand, ushering {Name} to the room that everyone was drifting in a state of shock outside of.

Placing a hand on the door {Name} pushed it carefully, mentally preparing for what she was about to see.

Nile was the first thing {Name}'s eyes found. Laid in a clash of white and red, it was evident Nile was dead. There was not even a clamour of hope that Nile was clinging by a thread to his life.

Laying on his back, Nile's head twisted to the right. One leg bent at an almost ninety-degree angle, the other hung off the side of the bed.

Walking in slowly {Name} bared the two other men in the little room no attention. Eyes scoping and scanning the scene, she turned to the right, moving toward the bathroom, carefully following the trail on the carpet.

_"{Name}?"_ Erwin called for her, an edge in his voice suggesting he had no patience for any games.

{Name} was playing no game. Brushing past Mike a hand fell on the handle of the small adjoined bathroom, twisting it the door opened a crack. Eyes settling on the shower, she closed the door again.

Turning to the bed {Name} carefully edged onto the bed, examining Nile's expression she swallowed the lump in her throat.

Nile and {Name} had never seen eye to eye. Their joint profession a cause for occasional clashes between them, she'd never particularly liked him.  Though {Name} had never wished harm on Nile, especially not this.

Feeling beneath the sheets {Name} followed the edges of the damp patches, searching around the mattress, she was below Nile's waist when she found what was almost a puddle.

Taking back the hands {Name} turned them over, bringing the palms close to her face. It was a deep, almost purple shade that painted the tips of her fingers. Arterial blood.

Flicking from Nile's body to where Erwin lingered beside the bed {Name}'s mouth twisted. There was no way to do, what she was about to, with any dignity.

Climbing on the bed {Name} pulled Nile's shirt apart, the buttons popping as some pinged across the room. Exposing Nile's chest {Name} sucked in a breath, it created a whistling sound.  Both chest and stomach were littered with multiple stab wounds. It looked as though whoever inflicted them, held no restraint in the attack.

Poking at the edges of where the skin dipped back inside Nile's body, she flicked out a torn segment, examining its edges.

Surprised {Name} sat back on her legs, looking down Nile's body, she lurched over to his hip, patting across the utility belt he'd somehow slept in. Sliding out the knife an inch {Name} inspected its edges, before pushing it back in.

Moving both hands down to Nile's thighs, she felt around the left one first, before the right. Losing two fingers inside torn skin and muscle, {Name} paused.

_"What are you doing?"_ Mike asked from the edge of the room, his weight shifting the boards beneath him creaked.

Dropping the leg {Name} took care to wipe clean her fingers before bringing her hands out into view _"Nothing."_ Answering quietly {Name} looked up at Nile, her breath catching in her throat _"Did you find the knife?"_ Climbing off the bed, she paused long enough to close Nile's eyes.

Erwin held up an arm, the knife used laid flat in his palm. Eyes meeting {Name} understood Erwin's lacking patience, and the taught face he was wearing.

The knife was one of their owns.

{Name} could see it, knew that Erwin was suspecting of one of the women downstairs. The conclusion Erwin, and the rest of them had come to made sense, only to them.

On a rare occasion where Nile and {Name} were not sniping at each other, he'd told her about his wife, Marie. Told {Name} that he could not wait to go home to her and their two sons. Nile also told {Name} that Marie had been expecting their third when he was deployed. Nile had never met his newborn, and now he never would.

Nile was faithful to Marie, the idea he'd go to bed with another woman, was out of the question.

_"They didn't do it."_ Speaking with conviction {Name} walked around to Erwin, snatching the knife out his hand.

Erwin looked angered by {Name}'s words, Mike even sounded his objection with a scoff _"How can you be so sure?"_ Questioning {Name}'s theory Mike walked to join Erwin's side.

Surprised by the ganging up {Name}'s brow rose, the point of the knife flicking to the door _"Count the women downstairs. There are not enough to go around the men."_ Pointing out their failure to link the most visible piece of evidence {Name} brushed off the suggestion one of them could have left before Nile was discovered.

_"You were with Nile last night,"_ turning on Mike bitterness overtook her tone _"Which one did he bring back?"_ Chin jutting {Name} watched Mike's scowl switch to realisation.

A hand slapping up against Erwin's chest Mike shot him a glance _"Nile came back alone."_

Not wanting to take any pride in her conclusion {Name} let the knife fall to her side.

Side glancing to Nile a frown settled on {Name} _"Let the girls go,"_ facing the two superiors of the unit {Name} walked back to Nile's side _"You've put them through enough."_ {Name} waited until Erwin ordered Mike out of the room until she extracted Nile's knife from his hip.

Closing the door quietly Erwin rested against it, either to keep anyone entering or {Name} from leaving "What have you figured out, that we didn't?" Inquiring gently Erwin meted a steely gaze on her.

_"Look,"_ Carefully angling the leg that was on the bed {Name} pushed against Nile's thigh, exposing the deep cut that was most certainly the killing one _"Not one of those women knows how to slice through the Femoral, let alone find it."_ Divulging the reason for her sudden interest in Nile's thighs {Name} tapped the knife to her own _"The wounds on his chest and stomach, are artificial."_ She considered quietly.

_"They were done afterwards,"_ waving a hand up and down Nile's exposed torso {Name} cocked her head at Erwin _"The blood loss from wounds like these would be substantial, but the majority is down by his waist."_

Flipping the two knives in her hand around so that the points faced Erwin she nodded her head to them _"Notice the difference?"_

Asking the question of her own {Name} held them up for Erwin to see clearly, his head nodding that he could see the differences.

Holding up the supposed murder weapon {Name} pointed to the razor sharp, and smooth slant that formed the upper edge _"These are designed purely to wound or kill."_ Slapping the knife down on the bedside table {Name} raised Nile's blade _"These are for cutting through cloth and skin. If ever necessary, they can get through small bones."_ Pointing to the far sharper, and ridged point {Name} set it down with the other.

Beckoning Erwin forward {Name} picked up the edge of skin on Nile's body she'd previously pulled out _"Look."_ Not wanting to give Erwin the answer, she waited as he leant over, inspecting the area carefully.

Stepping back Erwin ran a hand across his jaw _"It's jagged."_ He murmured quietly _"It should be smooth."_ Deducing the exact same thing as {Name} had done Erwin stared at the wall for a brief moment "Someone's gone to great lengths to cover their tracks."

Beside Erwin, a slow nod answered him. There was more than a little effort put into cover the individual's tracks. The person put a considerable amount of thought into the act that took Nile, it was closer to have being planned in advance, and {Name} already had an inclination to who it was.

Teeth grinding {Name} fought back the urge to say the name lingering at the tip of her tongue. The person was apparently not expecting to have their careful planning seen through, it gave {Name} an advantage, she could watch them squirm as the evidence was presented.

{Name} could only hope that Erwin would pick up on the crucial moment that would indicate the man in his guilt.


	13. Chapter 13

Presenting the evidence had not gone as expected. 

Giving Erwin everything she'd deducted, it left him to lead the group interrogation. Pointing out that it was impossible to have been one of the women, due to Nile being alone and the fact none of them bared blood stains on their bodies or clothes, it left one of the men. The blood stained shirt abandoned in Nile's shower a significant slip in judgment, it also confirmed {Name}'s suspicion.

Throwing the knife used to create the stab wounds on Nile's chest into the centre of the table, Erwin ordered all of the men, to take out theirs.

One after the other they unstrapped their knives and set them down.

All of them producing their secondary weapons except for one.

Eren was the only man, who did not place anything in the centre of the table.

It was at the revealing that Eren's knife was missing, that he kicked back the stool. Eyes ablaze Eren began shouting, specifically aiming his words at Erwin, and telling Erwin that he should have been dead a long time ago.

The room fell into a stunned silence, unsure of how to proceed or even deal with Eren's outburst not even Armin could find the words to calm his childhood friend down.

Grabbing up a knife from the middle of the table Eren had charged at Erwin, skidding around the edge of the kitchen island. With determination Eren flipped the blade around, the flat of his palm pressed to the handle his eyes burned maliciously. With Eren primed and ready to do as he had wanted too for some time, Erwin didn't move or even to attempt to stop Eren. It felt like time ground to a screeching halt, until the bark of a gun came from the back of the kitchen.

Having been stood beside Erwin but tucked slightly behind {Name} had gone to move out of the way when Eren charged at them.

Without knowing why {Name} threw out her arms when Eren made a violent jerk and veered off towards her. Hot liquid splashing across {Name}'s face she'd caught Eren before they'd tumbled down. With Eren's head laying across {Name}'s lap, it took a moment to process what had happened.

Whether it was the recent dream that made {Name} liken Eren to Levi, or that the wound that killed Eren was an almost replica of Levi's, she wasn't sure. All {Name} knew, was that she'd started screaming. At the time, it hadn't felt like it was her that was screaming but someone else. It was only when Eren was taken out of her arms and {Name} was forced to stand that she realised it was her.

Without a clue as to how to handle {Name}'s sudden breakdown, Erwin had forced a hand over her mouth. Trying to quell the noise {Name} shook her head back and forth in an attempt to throw Erwin's hand off.

Holstering the gun used to take Eren down Mike had taken charge in Erwin's forced absence. Almost inconsolable and showing no sign of calming anytime soon Erwin dragged {Name} out of the kitchen and upstairs.

It was only when {Name} was forced into the bathtub and Erwin turned the shower on full blast cold on her, that {Name} sobered.

Soaked to the bone {Name} had watched the blood left on her swirl around the drain. Fingers clawing at the porcelain base {Name} felt as though all of her limbs had locked up.

In time {Name}'s arms became limber again, allowing for them to wrap around her middle, she crumpled in on herself. Holding the edges of the bath Erwin waited, not a single word spoken to {Name} his only movement was to turn the shower head off.

Why Eren's death struck {Name} so, she could not explain. There was no significance of it, other than the painful similarities between Levi's and Eren's death. Eren's death should have brought {Name} relief; it meant she was no longer under his thumb.

In some sense, it was overwhelming knowing that {Name} no longer had to feel the burning guilt. All the backstabbing {Name} had done, was at an end. The weight in {Name}'s chest and stomach all at once unfurled, leaving {Name}'s body with each panting breath.

A hand falling on the back of {Name}'s neck, she let it guide her to Erwin. Knelt beside the bath Erwin held {Name} tight, her ribs digging into the edge of the tub she disregarded the painful sting it caused, her arms wound tight around Erwin's shoulders.

_"I can't do this."_ Bleating the words {Name} had longed to say since leaving the cottage her face pushed hard into Erwin's chest _"I just want to go home."_ Like the words broke down the wall of denial she'd hidden behind for the last two years, she cried.

Nothing could have ever prepared {Name} for the disruption of her once quiet life. Even in the moments where {Name} found calm, and solace, there was always something waiting and lurking around the corner.

Forced out of the hold {Name} had on Erwin, he closed his hands on her face. Thumbs gliding beneath {Name}'s eyes Erwin balanced their foreheads against each other _"You're my home, {Name}."_ Quietly, and very much unsure of himself Erwin spoke: _"When I think of home, it isn't my house or even Germany that comes to mind, it's you."_

Easing to occasional hiccuping {Name} blinked at Erwin. Wide-eyed Erwin looked a far cry away from the man he was. Vulnerable and the closest to being scared {Name} had ever seen Erwin, his eyes flicked back and forth, searching hers _"I feel safe when I'm with you. Your presence is calming to me,"_ drawing in a short breath Erwin swallowed, his Adam's apple quivering under the skin _"Let me be that for you, let me be your home."_

_ _


	14. Chapter 14

Breath fogging in the night air a pair of sinewy arms closed around {Name}'s shoulders, containing the soft shivers that travelled up and down her body.

Pressing back into the firm chest {Name} let her mind drift, eyes watching without focus they followed the curves and dips of the sloping fields.

_"What is home, to you?"_ Levi spoke quietly, his chin bobbing and digging at {Name}'s head from where he rest on it.

Finding the question odd {Name} didn't answer immediately. Angling out from under Levi's chin {Name} laid her head back on his shoulder, a single finger stroking the underside of his jaw.

_"It's where you feel safe,"_ pausing {Name} looked back across the quiet fields that spread behind the stud farm _"It's the person your heart longs for when you're apart."_ Murmuring {Name} bit down on her lip.

Half expecting Levi to make some half-hearted sarcastic jibe, he stayed silent. Glancing up at Levi a single breath caught in her throat.

Levi was looking directly at {Name}, eyes a fraction narrower than normal his thin brows close to connecting in the middle by the frown that painted across his usually vague face _"I think you're confused,"_ exhaling in some kind of frustration Levi's eyes closed when his shoulders sagged.

Mirroring Levi's expression {Name}'s head shook _"I don't understand?"_ Closer to mouthing the words {Name} returned to looking back across the fields, the corner of each eye prickling.

Carefully Levi's hands moved, running up both arms before resting on each of {Name}'s shoulders _"You will. Soon."_ Whispering Levi placed a kiss on the top of {Name}'s head.

Heart still for a brief moment, it contracted suddenly.

Waking with a start {Name}'s chest remained in some form of seizure, releasing rapidly it felt as though the cavity was flooded with a hot, yet cold liquid. Breaths panting her fingers clawed at the firm object beneath it, head and body forced off the thing {Name} were half lying on when it lurched away from {Name}'s clawing fingers.

In a blur of varying shades of black, the man removed himself from {Name} and the bed, silently cursing the small scratches she'd left across his bare stomach. In between being awake and asleep {Name} did not react immediately, her body half raised from the bedsheets the hand she'd clawed the man with remained in the air.

In a rush, {Name} came to her senses.

Tongue peeking out to swipe across the dry skin of {Name}'s lips a quiet apology was uttered into the darkness.

Adjusting to the non-existent light {Name} could just make out the man doubled over at the edge of the bed. One hand on a knee, the other cupped his stomach, the long sandy brown hair askew across his forehead Mike turned his golden eyes on {Name} _"It's ok."_

With the two small words of assurance {Name} sat up on the bed, the sheets draped across falling away when she shuffled to the edge of the bed _"Are the stitches?"_ Reaching a hand to where Mike held {Name} halted when Mike drew back.

Fingers curling back in against the palm {Name} looked away, taking in the room that was slowly coming into focus. It was {Name}'s room, not Mike's.

Yet, {Name} could not recall why Mike was in her room, let alone her bed and only half dressed.

Swallowing thickly as the thoughts and possibilities of what could have occurred darted through her mind, {Name} jumped when Mike stroked a large hand down her cheek.

_"We didn't do anything,"_ with quiet words of assurance Mike bowed to place a small peck on {Name}'s head _"Not for lack of trying..."_

Sounding disappointed by the fact nothing happened between them Mike edged back onto the bed, a single hand combing through the back of {Name}'s hair _"I truly wished he'd died that day."_ Continuing to play with the roughly cut ends of {Name}'s hair Mike sighed deeply _"You smiled more when Erwin wasn't around."_ Stating what was becoming painfully obvious, even to {Name}, a dip in the small space of mattress between them sent {Name} falling against Mike.

Caught by a hand, Mike placed a warm and almost loving kiss on {Name}, his thumb rubbing against her cheekbone {Name} found her body wanting to respond a little too eagerly.

_"Don't, Mike."_ {Name} had not forgotten that Mike literally brushed her aside when Erwin returned. It was weeks after Erwin rejoined them, and only after the night when Mike flaunted another woman around on his arm in front of {Name}, that she even reconciled with Erwin.

Breaking apart {Name} refused to make eye contact, choosing instead to lay with her back to Mike and curl into the still warm sheets.

Clutching the corner of the pillow {Name} listened to Mike's aggravated sigh and under breath muttering, the words were sharp and unsheathed, cutting deep into {Name}'s already worn, heart.

{Name} didn't respond, there was nothing she could say or even wanted to. It was not {Name}'s decision to cut dead what was building between Mike and herself, it was Mike who cut the chords they'd started threading together.

_"Just go."_ Touching on a whisper {Name} kicked back a foot, childishly forcing Mike off the edge of the bed. The gesture obliged, but not before Mike leant over to where {Name} was lying.

Half expecting some cruel jibe about fleeting between Mike and Erwin's beds, the words that brushed against {Name}'s ear made her cling tighter to the pillow. Though it was not cruel in nature, Mike's little whisper was wicked by intention.

Waiting for the door to close {Name}'s jaw fixed in place, teeth clenched and refusing to part even with the pressure building in her chest.

{Name} refused to let Mike's parting comment send her into questioning her ragged emotions. Instead, {Name} let them lay in the back of her mind, hidden back with the thoughts and feelings she'd buried over time.

Just like at the cottage, it felt like {Name} was in a game that she was not a willing participant of. Unlike back then, {Name} found out in time what Erwin's hidden agenda was. Even now, Mike's was still a mystery.

In time a pulsing started up behind {Name}'s eyes. A little more conscious, {Name} became aware of the nauseating scent of old beer and cigarette smoke. They'd all been drinking. Everyone except for Erwin that is.

With Eren's demise, it brought the remaining men's morale down. Armin's especially.

Seeing this, Erwin once again let them all go out on the agreement no one brought anyone back. They'd all agreed, leaving the bed and breakfast in silence and with heavy hearts, Erwin mentioned that he would not be joining them.

Questioning why Erwin brushed over the subject. Briefly mentioning that a report would have to be handed in about the recent events surrounding their unit. With nothing more to be said {Name} left with the others, their feet dragging, not even Reiner had a quip to cheer them up.

It was somewhere late in the evening that they'd left the bar. Reiner and Bertholdt somewhat merry were deep in discussion about something. {Name} wasn't able to pay them much attention as between Mike and herself, they were carrying Armin. The small man having consumed more than any of them expected, the effects didn't creep up until he stepped into fresh air.

In a matter of minutes Mike was rescuing Armin from the curb, and {Name} was trying to help. With both of Armin's feet tucked under each arm, she'd had to rely on Mike to navigate her backwards tracking to their accommodations.

Neither Mike or {Name} being sober, it made for an interesting journey. With all things considered, they'd made it back in one piece, choosing to leave Armin on the sofa rather than attempt the stairs they'd thrown a coat over him.

From there, things grew a little, hazy. Though in among the vagueness, {Name} understood it was Mike that made a move, not the other way around. On the matter of how they'd come to be lying in bed together, was still a mystery.

Hangover intensifying {Name} crawled across the bed, in need of a drink of water she wobbled out of her bedroom.

In the hall, it was dimly lit by the downstairs lights. The small slither of light painful {Name} squinted against it as she leant heavily on the bannister in her descent, stopping briefly to look across at what was once Nile's room, her heart sunk further into her churning stomach.

If only {Name} were able, to be honest, Nile, Erd, Gunther, Ian and Moblit would potentially have still been with them.


	15. Chapter 15

To the right. To the left. Back to centre.

Four times {Name} done this, carefully observing the street from the mouth of the alley she was resting in.

The roads were oddly quiet, too quiet. Breath rolling out in thick foggy pants {Name} remained in position, calmly leaning against the wall with a cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth.

A distant thrumming of an engine {Name} stood from the wall, the smoke given one last long inhale before flicking it down to join the small collection of butts beside her boots.

A black vehicle turned into the quiet street; headlights kept off. Inhaling deeply {Name} cast a gaze to the left, lips barely parting the helmet was tipped low. The crunch of the tyres over the debris-littered road slowing as it approached the alley {Name} was resting in; {Name} stepped out.

Arm outstretched, the hand formed a quick signal. From the driver's window, an arm emerged, the hand forming the expected reply to {Name}'s signal. It looked as though things were going as planned, so far.

Walking the curb {Name} paused briefly beside the driver's window. A quick exchange and the envelope was slipped inside {Name}'s coat. One brief nod at the driver, {Name} backed away and moved down the alley. At the other end of the alley, the road was lit by lamps and occasional passing military vans. It was a total contrast of the deserted street {Name} was leaving.

Setting both hands in the coat pocket {Name} left the alley, merging back in the with the civilians and soldiers going about their own business. With one destination in mind {Name} eased her pace, not wanting to draw attention with her furtive demeanour {Name} brought a hand out to push up the helmet.

Before the hand even left the helmet lip, another firm one wrapped around {Name}'s wrist. In a blur the street flickered out of view, to be replaced by a wall. It was dark, the light of the street barely touching the damp bowel of the dead end alley.

Hand gripping, and pinching around {Name}'s waist another pushed down her head, pinning it firmly against the soiled pebbles of the alley floor. Mouth filled by a rag {Name} only started to understand what was unfolding, when a hand reached around to the buckle of the trousers. It was the only thing in the person's way.

Realisation dawning {Name} tried to free an arm, the body laying on her back heavy, the man's weight crushed both arms to the floor. Cheek scraping against the pebbles {Name} tried to force the rag out with her tongue, a single leg kicking at the man in a hope to dislodge him.

There was a brief moment of relief, the buckle undone the man lifted his weight. The early winter air creeping across {Name}'s exposed rear gave her the only opening she would probably get. With the trousers forced down by her thighs, it brought them closer to {Name}'s stretched back arm.

Unhooking the lip of the knife {Name} clawed at it until the handle was in her palm, just as an unwanted pressure tried to enter her body. Eyes blurring at the edges {Name} put the armed hand between her thighs, the almost wailing dampened by the rag in her mouth she rammed her body back against the man.

It took a moment. At first, it was just a trickle, but once {Name} finished twisting, and pulled the knife out, it came in a hot rush.

It was animalistic, the man's screaming. Still, upon his knees, his hands cupped between his legs.

Discarding the knife {Name} kicked back across the wet floor, hands and boots slipping and sliding through a mixture of filth she only stopped when her back hit a wall.

Eyes meeting the wide-eyed stare of the man, his eyes dropped briefly to where {Name} was still exposed from the waist down. The man's hands tight over his bleeding and torn genitals, he appeared momentarily shocked to discover that {Name}, was a woman.

Breaking out of the almost paralysis {Name} pushed against the wall, dragging up her sullied trousers her fingers shook as she attempted to redo the belt. A dull thud briefly brought {Name}'s bleary vision back to the man. Collapsed across the floor {Name} hiccuped on a sob, breath short and sharp her chest ached as it tried to take a full and steady breath.

With the man out cold, {Name} used the wall to get back on her feet, the belt buckle all but forgotten the trousers hung loosely on her aching hips. There was no time to wait out the shock of what nearly happened, the man's screaming had drawn a small cluster of curious people to the opening of the alley.

Swallowing {Name} retrieved the helmet, snapping it back on she kept her head down as she pushed out of the alley. Not caring at all {Name} roughly elbowed a woman out of her way, at last thankful for the uniform that she was forced to wear as the woman did not object or try to call her out.

In a half daze {Name} continued down the street as though nothing was amiss. That there was nothing wrong.

The belt buckle did back up {Name}'s fingers remained still when the cigarette packet -quite squashed by the man when he forced himself on her back- was taken from the pocket and a cigarette was placed in her mouth.

{Name} continued in the almost blissful denial until she reached the small pub on the corner of the street. Quickly having been taken over as some kind of local for the occupying soldiers, it was here that {Name} was told to rendezvous.

At the back, tucked in the shadowy corner of the small pub {Name} pulled out one of the chairs. The tremble in both legs having returned when entering, it was close to impossible to stand by the time {Name} reached the table where the others were happily enjoying a quiet drink.

Falling into the seat {Name} laid an arm on the table, the other tucked back as the hand held the edge of the chair, the nails digging into the wood.

_ "{Name}?" _

Quieter than a whisper, one of the occupants of the table called for {Name}'s attention. The hand laid on the table almost a fist, it stopped dead in its movement when {Name} noticed that it was covered in black mud, and blood. Close to transfixed by it {Name} could feel the shame, and guilt bleed into her. It started by wrapping around in {Name}'s chest, before descending into her stomach, leaving a deeply pitted sickness before flooding down to the burn in her hips. All at once, each fingerprint bruise that the man left ignited, burning like some secondary punishment for the act the man forced on {Name}'s body.

It hurt. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. It speared at {Name} from every possible angle.

Again, a little louder than the first time, someone called for {Name}'s attention. This time {Name}'s hand finally made the fist, nails biting into the fleshy palm the hand on the back of the chair fell away as {Name} retrieved the letter from the inside pocket of her coat _"Here."_

Throwing it into the middle of the table {Name} was surprised by the strength in her voice. It didn't feel or even sound like it belonged to {Name}, but to someone else.

Slumping back in the chair {Name} set the helmet down on the table, gaze floating over the stunned and concerned faces that were all turned on {Name} she shrugged _"There was a scuffle back up the road. I got caught in it."_

Trying to hide the reason behind the cuts on her cheek, the dirtied hands and soiled uniform, {Name} picked up the pint glass that had been bought and waited for her arrival. Taking a long slow sip {Name} savoured the cold wetness that washed away the oil flavoured dryness the rag had left behind.

Hoping that none of the men would question the lie {Name} managed a smile when one asked who came off better. 

With an incline of the head {Name} sucked the inside of her cheeks between her teeth _"He did."_ Answering quietly {Name} hid the wobble of her jaw by taking another long drink, her eyes drifting over to the bar to cover up the small collection of tears that clung to the corners.


	16. Chapter 16

{Name} understood that war was never kind. It was cruel, barbaric and often senseless. Leaving behind a trail of pain and suffering, in its wake. 

 

{Name} knew all of this. Understood it. Expected it. Never, though, did {Name} believe that she would witness the cold and callous act that led her to be stood in the city square. They'd arrived in droves, both men and women. No discrimination in age, they'd been paraded like cattle down the street.

 

There was no reason or justification behind the heinous act. War was no excuse, for murder.

Blinking against the torrential downpour {Name} blessed its cold sting, it disguised the steady trail of tears that traversed her chill bitten skin.

They were left up on the ropes, swinging in the wind like macabre motionless puppets. Their hands still bound behind their backs, their faces still baring the desperate and painful nature of their deaths.

They were to be left there, to serve as a warning and a reminder of what could happen to those who opposed their German occupiers. For a while, people stood and stared, gasped and uttered words of hate under breath. It didn't last long until they moved on, turning their backs to the corpses of the men and women who continued to fight for their freedom, who fought for the very people abandoning them.

It was hypocritical of {Name} to judge them, but the selfish part of her being cursed them all to hell, while another part of her, envied them.

{Name} didn't move when a passing soldier called out, a single gesture of the hand to say she needed a moment {Name} finally peeled her eyes from the bodies. Face half hidden in the collar of the coat {Name} blinked at the man approaching through the small gap between coat and helmet, the man was not one {Name} recognised.

The man stopped just short of {Name}, sharp metallic eyes narrowed on her person the corner of his mouth twitched up in a sneer _"Are you Fuch's?"_

In time the protective bubble the men kept {Name} in, crumbled and fell. In the cottage {Name} was safe, even when Germany invaded France, {Name} was kept hidden as best the men could manage. After half a year of occupation the nearly blissful ignorance, shattered. Far too consumed by the guilt of her deception, and focused on her personal turmoils, {Name} had walked blind for the passing months since France surrendered.

The cacophony of screaming men their pitiful and agonised wailing sobered {Name}. This was the plain and unfiltered ugliness of war.

What was once a church, was now a hospital ward of dead, dying and barely surviving men. The air was thick with the scent of blood, its putrid copper stench burning in the back of {Name}'s mouth. There had been another air raid, a successful one in that more soldiers than civilians laid among the temporary beds. There was no time to think about personal affairs, once {Name} was done with one man, she rushed to another.

Hands, face, hair and clothes were close to dripping with varying shades of red. The inflicted injuries ranging from scratches to torn off limbs {Name} kept moving, there was no opportunity to stop.

Fingers buried in one man's stomach {Name} watched the young soldier who was meant to be assisting, sway on his feet. From the start the young boy was grey in the skin, his dark curtains of hair stuck to his forehead from sweat and blood.

_"What's your name?"_ Speaking over the man writhing on the bed between them {Name} didn't take her eyes away from the task of digging out metal shards.

The young soldier heaved, a hand too late in cupping the contents that rushed out his mouth and painted the floor.

_"Bodt."_ Breathing heavily the young man gripped his knees when another wave of sickness came up _"Marco Bodt."_

Introduction done, Marco wiped his mouth clean. Still lacking colour Marco returned to the bedside, his hands shaking as he passed the scissors _"How old are you?"_ Continuing conversation {Name} finally sourced the artery that was torn. Clamping it quickly {Name} gazed up at Marco calmly, her brow thick with sweat.

_"Eighteen, I'm eighteen Sir."_ Politely Marco responded, the pallor of his skin leaving him almost translucent {Name} followed the purple and blue-green lines of his face.

_"Don't call me sir,"_ quipping sharply {Name} nodded to the torn abdomen she was practically up to the elbow in _"I need you to hold this."_ Nodding to the sliced artery, she was pinching closed {Name} watched Marco's head swing side to side in a nervous fit.

Though {Name} understood Marco's reluctance -having been there once before- she wasn't in a position to be sympathetic _"If you don't, he dies."_ Stark honesty was by no means the best way to soothe the man's nerves, but it was a tactful ploy to scare the young man into doing as {Name} wanted. Essentially placing the life of the soldier in Marco's hands, it was a cruel manner to make him compliant of {Name}'s demand.

It worked, Marco's fingers still trembling, replaced {Name}'s. Able to proceed with closing the artery {Name} worked deftly. It was slim, and with a high chance of fever and infection, the soldier {Name} was working on had a small survival rate. That in mind {Name} still done the best she could under the high pressure of the situation.

Eventually, the need of the patient's wound down to walking rounds and administering fresh pain relief. The church echoing with the whimpers and whines of the men laid in the makeshift beds {Name}'s heart stopped dead when passing one in particular.

Like someone had their hand wrapped around {Name}'s throat, she choked on a breath. The nurse beside the bed preparing to place the white sheet over the man's face {Name}'s hand caught her arm _"One moment."_ Taking the hand away from the startled woman she looked between the man on the bed and {Name}, a single nod and she set the sheets back down.

Approaching the bed {Name} bent over the man, carefully inspecting the twist of his lips, he'd suffered, greatly.

Suspecting the man was brought to the makeshift hospital after {Name} drove the knife into his groin, she was surprised to discover, he had been a soldier. At the time {Name} paid no attention to the man's clothes, merely desperate to remove herself from his vicinity, she didn't check. Knowing that the man suffered to his last breath, did not bring {Name} any sense of relief or freedom. It only relieved {Name} in that she would never encounter him again. Teeth grinding {Name} pulled the sheet up to cover the man's face, it would be some time before they would be able to remove him.

Pressing on with the rounds {Name} flexed her fingers, the muscles and joints stiff from the non-stop work they'd done, she finally started to feel the fatigue set in. {Name} was no stranger to working long and arduous shifts, but it had been quite some time since {Name} experienced one. At the end of the rows of beds {Name} discovered a small room, curtains much like those found in an actual hospital put up around what {Name} could only guess was another bed, she stepped inside the room.

The person was resting, their heavy breaths caused by either injury or medication bordering on a snore {Name} slipped a hand in the gap of the curtains, pushing it back a fraction. For a second time {Name} felt her chest seize in a blind panic. Heavily bandaged between the chest and stomach Erwin's breaths were heavy and laboured.

Overcoming the panic that flooded {Name} a deep breath taken before stepping inside the curtained off area, a hand falling on the arm closest to her, she squeezed it as the other hand pushed back the hair that fell across Erwin's forehead. Face littered by small cuts and grazes {Name} bit down on her lip. Having not asked where the bombing took place, only aware that she'd been unaware of it {Name} did not consider that any of the men could have been caught up in it.

Perching on the edge of the bed {Name} gave Erwin a quick visual inspection. Without undoing the bandaging, or finding those who worked on Erwin, there was little way of knowing the severity of his injuries. A fact {Name} was not overly keen on. Sliding their fingers together {Name} gave a cautious eye to the curtains, it would not bode well if someone walked in and found {Name} holding Erwin's hand as she was. With that in mind {Name} did not linger, giving Erwin's hand a quick squeeze she separated from them, placing a small kiss on his forehead {Name} stood from the bed.

As much as {Name} wished to stay and keep vigil on Erwin, she knew that she could not be selfish. Feelings were not a priority over duty, and there were others that {Name} needed to attend and care for. Reluctantly {Name} moved away from the bed, one parting glance was given to Erwin a steadying breath was taken before stepping out of the sectioned off area. With Erwin laid up, it was possible one or more of the others were too. The rows and rows of beds that spread across the church replaced the pews that were apparently ripped out.

In among the countless soldiers, any of the others were possibly laid up. A fact {Name} did not like. Carefully walking the rows {Name} inspected each face closely, some burned and bandaged beyond any form of recognition she searched those ones closely. Checking hair colour, their build, anything that would tell {Name} if any of the others were present among the men who would not likely make it to the morning.


	17. Chapter 17

Seeking respite from the horrors that continued to unfold inside the church {Name} stepped out for a quick taste of fresh air. Though fresh was an understatement as the air was thick with smoke and cinder of the still smouldering buildings. 

 

In the least, it did not taste of blood and death as much as it did inside the church come hospital.

Finding an old delivery box {Name} near fell on it, legs collapsing from the nonstop moving, the muscles burned up to the backs of her thighs. Shifting until comfortable on the old slats {Name} felt in the pockets for a cigarette, barely able to light it before a presence loomed over her. 

 

Sparing a glance to the young man who had much more colour to him than when they first met {Name} shifted across the box when Marco gestured to sit beside her. 

 

Taking a long and slow inhale {Name} ran a thumb across the butt of the cigarette when she rested the aching arm on a thigh, neither party speaking as they gazed across the devastation left by the earlier bombing.

 

_"How do you do it?"_ Marco's voice quivered, dark eyes aglow from the nearby debris pile that still burned, his profile was painted in melancholy _"Just keep moving from one person to the next like its normal?"_ Asking a follow up question before {Name} even had a chance to answer the first Marco turned to look at {Name}, a deep furrow creasing his youthful brow.

 

Tongue flicking out to remove the dryness of her lips, {Name} took another long puff on the cigarette. 

 

Blowing out the smoke to mix with the other that blotted out the night sky {Name} shrugged _"It's the only time I ever feel in control."_ Calmly answering {Name} split her thighs to stub out the cigarette on the box _"It's the only time I don't second guess myself, or doubt my decisions. I know what I'm doing, what must be done."_ Resting back {Name} turned her hands palm side up, they were raw and the index bared a blister from the untold amount of splints {Name} had done.

 

Before Marco's question {Name} never truly thought about it. 

 

Having been a nurse for over a decade it was almost second nature to {Name} to remain calm and professional, and work as swiftly as the situation allowed. Back in the cottage it let {Name} be more brazen and assertive, the men needed {Name}'s help and to a degree she exploited it. 

 

As things were now, {Name} was necessary, with no restriction placed on her behaviour for fear of repercussions it let {Name} move freely and to dominate in her field of work.

 

Casting a look at the half open door of the church {Name}'s mouth pursed for a moment _"I can't afford to dither or panic,"_ turning around to face Marco a shrug lifted {Name}'s shoulders _"If I do people die. It's as simple as that."_ Wrapping up the answer for the young Marco a single finger scratched across {Name}'s brow.

 

There was little more that could be said on the matter, {Name} summed it up in its most simplest terms, and it looked to have satisfied Marco's curiosity.

 

Returning to a lingering silence they watched the flames die down. The thick smog created drifting across the once beautiful city {Name} was ready to return to rounds when a question from Marco made her stop. 

 

With a side long stare their eyes met, {Name}'s narrowed as Marco's became wide and owlish. 

 

Raising a hand Marco waved it back and forth as if to swat away any misunderstanding of his question _"I noticed when you were leaning over, your shirt button was undone and I could see down it."_ Explaining quickly Marco swallowed what looked to be nerves _"I won't say anything, you have my word! I just wanted to be sure I wasn't imagining it."_

 

Giving his word and an explanation behind the question of {Name}'s gender she looked back across the once sacred grounds of the church.

 

There was no point denying it if Marco saw that {Name}'s chest was strapped down _"I am a woman, yes."_ Being cautious in her reply {Name} looked over at Marco with a half smile _"You done good today."_ Patting Marco's shoulder firmly {Name} got to her feet, stretching both arms above her head a sudden pull in the back of her arm reminded {Name} that there were stitches still in need of removing. 

 

Wrapped up in one drama after another {Name} forgot about the injury received the night Gunther died. Running a hand up the back of the arm in question {Name} threw a look at Marco, a smile so pure and heartfelt on his mouth that it looked out of place, it made {Name} want to bundle him up and keep him safe from the world, let alone the war.

 

_"I need a favour of you,"_ crooking a finger {Name} beckoned Marco to follow _"Come along."_

 

With Marco in the know of {Name}'s gender it worked out as a small blessing for the time being. The stitches in the back of {Name}'s arm out of her reach, it would be impossible to get them all out without assistance. 

 

Assistance would mean taking off her shirt, and revealing the strapped down chest. 

 

Something {Name} needed to avoid at all cost. It was possible to ask one of the others, but having discovered Reiner and Bertholdt sporting matching forehead and forearm bandages, it removed them from the equation.

 

As for Mike and Armin's whereabouts, {Name} was still in the dark, and Erwin was out cold.

 

A scuff of a boot brought Marco back to {Name}'s attention, dark eyes baring caution it made {Name} smile _"Don't panic, I'm not expecting anything strange. I just need you to remove some stitching fro--"_

 

Barely finishing the sentence Marco's face drained of all colour at the mention of stitches, his body swaying in a small circle {Name} followed his movement for a short while before reaching out to take a hold on his shoulders and shake him _"Marco?"_

 

Still lacking in colour Marco roused somewhat at the sound of his name _"I can do it."_ Closer to whimpering Marco shook off {Name}'s hands, a cough clearing his throat Marco gave a firm nod _"Sorry, I just pictured that man, and - it's ok. I can help."_ A smile wobbling across his mouth Marco regained some colour and his composure.

 

Half concerned and half exasperated {Name} gave Marco a once over, it would be no help if he keeled over suddenly, or threw up again "Are you sure?" Curving a brow quizzically {Name} smiled at Marco's earnest reply. 

 

For one as young as Marco, he appeared to have a good head on his shoulders. It reminded {Name} of how she was at Marco's age, young, naive and without a care. Wrapped in a blissful innocence and totally unaware of how drastically and disastrously life would change.

 

Nodding to a alcove {Name} and Marco slipped into its shadow, the arm slid out from the sleeve it partially exposed the heavy bandaging that bound down {Name}'s chest _"I just need you to cut through them, and pull them out."_ Reaching her fingers around as far as they could {Name} tapped the scissors on Marco's outstretched hand _"Simple as that."_ Musing when Marco gulped {Name} kept watch, making certain no one approached them.

Carefully Marco snipped through each piece, his breaths hot but faint from where he was concentrating on {Name}'s arm. It made {Name} snort back a laugh, not wanting to disrupt Marco and his intense sense of duty _"You can relax a little."_ Speaking soothingly another laugh was held when Marco made a strange gargle noise.

 

A few seconds passed until Marco wiped a hand down the back of {Name}'s arm _"Done."_ Affirmation of the task being complete Marco moved back so {Name} could slide the arm back in the sleeve. 

 

Settled once more {Name} rubbed the area carefully, a small thanks given to Marco they stepped out one after the other, a small smile exchanged {Name} took back the scissors.

 

Eyes gliding over the men strewn across the beds {Name}'s head tipped to the side, there were so many, with very little doctors and nurses to go around them. Without even realising {Name} was placed in charge of the orderlies, being the only 'German' among them {Name} was ordered to keep watch on the French medical staff who'd been dragged in to aid their foes. 

 

It was evident by the looks of the nurses and aged doctors that they were not best pleased to be helping, others far more relaxed and inclined to help, it created a major divide.

 

_"Is your unit here?"_ Questioning Marco's presence {Name} watched the young man shift, the freckles that took up most of his face highlighted by the candles that lit up the area _"No. I arrived from Germany this morning."_ Marco spoke tentatively, his fingers biting into the edge of the helmet held at his side _"I am meant to be joining a rather specific unit."_ As though Marco was unsure on whether to divulge the information he fidgeted nervously, a hand fluttering over the breast pocket of his dirtied uniform.

 

With wariness of Marco's sudden clamming up {Name} was ready to attempt to pry it out of him, until a French nurse rushed up to {Name}'s side. 

 

Firing off a question in French the nurse turned wide and adrenaline pumped eyes on {Name}, the woman having long past exhaustion, she was running on fumes.

 

Being a long time since {Name} conversed in French, a few words stumbled out her mouth, eventually flowing back into its natural rhythm {Name} listened patiently to the nurse. 

 

Head coming up to look over the woman's shoulder {Name} patted it gently _"Get some rest."_ Ordering the woman to at least attempt to sleep {Name} all but forgot Marco as she contained her eagerness to a brisk walk.

 

Mindful of making too much noise {Name} eased to a creeping step on approaching the room hidden at the back of the church, a hand thrown back {Name} halted Marco _"You should sleep too."_ Whispering quietly a nudge of the head indicated a small area of blankets that lined the only free space. 

 

Some of the nurses cuddled together under the spare blankets {Name} could see they weren't truly asleep, but dozing. Ready to get back up when their duty called for it.

 

Agreeing quietly Marco mumbled a parting, his back turned {Name} entered the room where Erwin was resting. Pushing back the curtain a meek smile pulled up the corner of {Name}'s lips when the sway and rustle of the curtains settled back in place.

 

Propped up on pillows, but not enough to crease the heavily bandaged area Erwin's head rolled to {Name} when she entered, a hand raised from the bed, the fingers curling in to beckon {Name} closer. 

Perching on the edge of the bed Erwin placed the hand on {Name}'s thigh, eyes blinking repeatedly to clear them he was still quite heavily under the effect of the painkillers _"What happened?"_ Slurred at the edges Erwin managed to sound relatively coherent _"Air raid."_ Talking slowly and clearly {Name} followed the movement of Erwin's head as it rolled, her own coming to rest on her shoulder _"You're one of many,"_ flicking a finger to the curtain {Name} grimaced _"Over half the men out there, are dead or dying."_ With a sullen tone {Name} approached the graveness of the topic as gently as she could.

 

If not for being heavily sedated {Name} was sure that Erwin would not have given such a visual response. Eyelids drawn back Erwin's sights widened in a visual display of shock. It was quite disturbing by comparison to his usual responses _"I found Berthl and Reiner, they're the same pair of idiots as expected."_ passing over the unease Erwin's expression was causing {Name} informed Erwin of the little she knew of the men he'd taken with him that morning _"I've seen a couple of the others, but Armin and Mike are not among them."_ Lowering her voice {Name} flinched when Erwin's fingers pinched at her thigh.

 

Seemingly back to being the Erwin that {Name} knew and loved, his eyes were fixed to a spot on the ceiling _"That's probably a good sign."_ Closing a hand around {Name}'s it was kept in a tight hold  _"I'm glad I let you sleep in."_


	18. Chapter 18

Running their hands back and forth for warmth Reiner and {Name} hopped foot to foot as they tried to ward off the late November chill. 

 

Breaths coming in cloud bursts {Name} sunk her chin in the collar of the coat, before pushing both hands back in the pockets _"How long is this meeting going to take?"_

 

Chattering the question to Reiner his broad shoulders rose in a shrug _"Beats me."_

It had been months since France was occupied, in that time their unit had still not received clear orders as to what they were supposed to do. Not that {Name} minded all that much. 

 

Except for the allied bombings of the towns, and the small pockets of French resistance, things had flowed smoothly for them.

 

In truth, {Name} wanted out. It was not possible for {Name} to leave with them, medic or not. Even with the incident where she proved her efficiency with a gun, it was an entirely different matter to turning it on a person, than a beer bottle.

 

Typically speaking, a medic never really entered any of the fighting, but there would be times where it was forced upon them. {Name} was not prepared mentally or emotionally for that, and she doubted that she ever would be.

 

Posted as watch outside the rather grand building, Reiner and {Name} were expected to keep anyone entering the front. The others posted at various points around the building, it was Erwin and Mike who were lucky enough to enter and enjoy the warmth the building provided.

 

Pacing up and down {Name} huddled deeper in the coat. The tip of her nose numb, she guessed it was the same colour as Reiner's, bright red.

 

_"How long have we been here?"_ Asking after the time {Name} stopped pacing, when Reiner held up a hand to silence her. Arm out Reiner ushered {Name} behind him, which she done gladly, his body providing temporary relief from the soft drizzle of rain she froze up when Reiner armed himself.

 

_"Come out, I can see you there."_ Aiming the gun towards the wind in the path that left them with a blind spot {Name} peeked out from under Reiner's arm when a set of heels clicked smartly up the path.

 

Approaching the small amount of light that spilled from the porch behind them the figure came out of the shadows, revealing a woman.

 

Shrouded in a dark coat with a thick fur trim her narrow face fell away at the sharp point in her chin. Thick lips painted red, she looked to be dolled up to some degree, though it was clearly rushed. The expected tight curls did not sit smoothly, a few of them curled out like corkscrews, ruining her overall appearance. In {Name}'s opinion anyway, Reiner looked visibly pleased with the woman, though he did not lower the gun.

 

_"Is Mike here?"_ Softly spoken the woman gripped tighter to her coat, eyes watering at the edges her tongue flicked nervously over the red painted lips _"I need to speak with him. Urgently."_ Sounding desperate her dark eyes implored Reiner and {Name} to answer.

 

Stepping out slightly {Name} looked up at Reiner a little helplessly. They were not supposed to tell anyone who was in the building, nor let them pass.

 

_"We can take a message for you,"_ keeping the woman firm in sight Reiner stepped to cover {Name} again _"What is it you need to tell him?"_ Clearly Reiner did not trust the woman, her knowing where Mike would be, should have been impossible after all.

 

Inhaling a shaky breath the woman made to open her coat, but paused when Reiner brought the gun up squarely. 

 

With a second of uncertainty {Name}'s eyes crept wide when the coat fell open to display the woman's body, and her clearly swollen abdomen.

 

_"Shit!"_ Hissing Reiner brought the rifle back to his side, a hand flying up to his head it clipped his helmet, which dropped backwards, knocking sharply against {Name}'s helmet.

 

Quickly pulling the coat back across her body the woman sniffed quietly, her sharp chin jutting up _"Tell him for me, please?"_

 

Both too stunned to talk all they could do was nod. Satisfied, the woman retreated back into the darkness, leaving Reiner and {Name} in an almost stupor.

 

Mike had gotten another woman pregnant.

 

Swallowing Reiner and {Name} exchanged awkward glances, neither knowing what to say, they stood in a long, and painful silence. In time {Name} picked up Reiner's fallen helmet, brushing away the dirt it was offered out to him in the same time he offered a cigarette. 

 

Making the exchange {Name} inhaled deeply, staring numbly out into the darkened grounds they were supposed to be keeping watch over {Name} felt something warm slip down her cheek.

 

Hand flying up {Name} turned away as she roughly wiped at both eyes. It was not something {Name} could get upset over, though {Name} wasn't exactly sure whether it was more envy than being actually upset at Mike having apparently got the woman pregnant.

 

_"I'm not telling him."_ Reiner piped up suddenly, breaking their silence he shuffled on his feet before shaking his head firmly.

 

Looking back at the tall man {Name}'s own head shook furiously _"I'm sure as hell not telling him!"_ Objecting to being the one to break the news {Name} backed up when Reiner pointed a finger her way _"You're the medic, this is your territory."_ Arguing in return Reiner lowered his hand when {Name} slapped it away.

 

_"Now hold on a second,"_ taking her turn to point fingers {Name} closed the gap between them _"I'm not going to be waltzing up telling him he's expecting a kid."_ Containing her voice to a coarse whisper {Name} prodded Reiner's chest "You're his friend, you tell him about the pregnancy."

 

Staring each other down Reiner and {Name}'s chests puffed out, their gazes narrowing at each other.

 

_"The whole pregnancy thing is your call,"_ hands waving at {Name} as if she needed to be reminded that she was a woman Reiner held up his hands _"You're the woman, you tell him about the baby."_ Arms folding to signal it was the end of the discussion Reiner turned away, {Name}'s mouth open her arm extended to gesture at the house Mike was still inside of, her mouth slammed shut rapidly.

 

_ "Who's baby?" _

 

In unison Reiner and {Name} turned their heads.

 

Standing at the top of the steps Mike and Erwin looked down at the pair arguing with each other in a mixture of alarm and confusion.

 

_"Fuck!"_   Whispering in a panic Reiner looked pleadingly at {Name}. Head thrown back {Name} elbowed Reiner's side _"You bloody do it!"_ Half tempted to punch Reiner they both blinked and straightened up.

 

Neither of them had asked for the woman's name.

 

With side long glances their fists bunched out in front of them, bobbing up and down they both counted to three quietly.

 

_"Scissors beats paper!"_ Resisting being overly happy with winning {Name} gave Reiner's shoulder a pat _"Go on."_ Head indicating to the two men still stood waiting for some explanation Reiner scratched at the back of his neck. Keeping from looking at the two men a cough cleared Reiner's throat, though he still did not speak.

 

The creak of a step made {Name} turn half way, Mike was walking slowly, if not uncertainly down the steps towards them.

 

_"Mike, buddy..."_ Trying to find the words Reiner looked to {Name} for assistance, purposefully looking the other way {Name} made a noise to say that she was not going to help.

 

Reaching the foot of the stairs Mike towered over Reiner, the man who was not short by any means, but appeared to shrink under Mike's intense gaze.

 

_"You're expecting, congrats mate!"_ In a nervous blundering laugh Reiner clapped Mike on the shoulder before making a hasty retreat to {Name}'s side.

 

Eyes open and staring Mike looked at {Name}, panic written in the twist of the man's mouth her head whipped back and forth _"Don't look at me!"_

 

Having realised the crossed wires in information Reiner joined {Name} in the jabbing motion she was making to the direction the woman had disappeared _"We didn't get her name."_ Eerily speaking in unison Reiner and {Name} exchanged puzzled looks.

 

It looked as though {Name} needed to take lead, taking a deep breath {Name} met Mike's gaze, Erwin slowly appearing at the bottom of the steps she ticked over the options in her head.

 

In truth {Name} wanted to scream at him. Though she really held no right. There'd been nothing more between them since Erwin returned, having almost literally picked her up, and rapidly dropped her, there was nothing {Name} could say. 

 

Other than by the woman's developed stomach, Mike had practically got her with child in a matter of days of Erwin coming back.

 

_"We didn't get her name, but she wanted us to tell you that she is expecting your baby."_ Giving as best a run down as possible with the small information they had {Name} nodded in the direction the woman had left _"If you're quick, you will probably catch her."_

 

With a glance at Erwin, the man gave Mike the go ahead to find the woman. 

 

Setting off at a brisk, but still slow pace, Mike disappeared into the darkened grounds.

Left once more to feeling numb {Name} blinked away the tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. Watching Mike vanish after the woman, it confirmed for {Name} what she was feeling.

 

{Name} envied the woman for being able to bare a child. It was not that it was Mike's, though it still hurt knowing how quickly he'd found company in another, it was the matter that the woman could give him something {Name} never could.

 

_ "{Name}." _

 

Head coming up at the sound of her name {Name} stared up at Erwin. It was rare that her name was used, even rarer for Erwin himself to use it other than when they were alone.

 

_"Walk with me."_ Stepping off Erwin moved slowly, giving {Name} time to catch up, a quickly given order to Reiner relieved him, and the others of their guard duty.

 

With polite nods exchanged Reiner waved them off, before moving to tell the others they were now free to do as they pleased.

 

With a few hurried steps {Name} joined Erwin's side. Keeping to a slow pace, nothing was spoken for a long time, it was not until they were in view of the gates that Erwin spoke.

 

_"Mike didn't know then?"_ Glancing down Erwin waited patiently for {Name} to figure out his question, a slow shake of the head given Erwin sighed quietly _"This is an unnecessary hassle, we're expected to be deployed in a week."_

 

Stopping dead {Name} watched Erwin's back as he continued walking.

 

They were going to be leaving?

 

_"I'm not going."_ Bluntly speaking {Name}'s head shook quickly, fingers curling tightly into the collar of her coat when Erwin stopped to look back at her _"I'm not going."_ Repeating a little more firmly {Name} dropped her eyes when Erwin's narrowed.

 

It wasn't anger in Erwin's gaze that made {Name} unable to look at him, but something akin to pain, or upset.

 

They'd been together for over two years, excluding the four months where {Name} believed him to be dead. In that time {Name} lost her husband, her home, she couldn't leave the final piece that she had of herself.

 

Though France was occupied, it was the only thing she'd been able to keep a hold on. It had been her home for twenty or so years, and she wanted to stay.

Flinching when a hand brushed up her cheek {Name} finally found the courage to look at Erwin _"I won't go."_ Standing firm on the decision she pressed her face into Erwin's open palm _"If that means I have to wait, then I will,"_ whispering quietly {Name} placed a gentle kiss to Erwin's hand _"I will wait for as long as it takes."_ Eyes bunching shut {Name} stepped out of Erwin's embrace.

 

No matter what was said, {Name} could not leave.


	19. Chapter 19

 

Forcing a dirty rag in the woman's mouth the fingers of the other hand raised to her own lips, trying to keep the woman quiet and focus on the delivery of the baby {Name} had never experienced pressure like the one she was under at that moment. 

 

{Name} was a nurse, not a midwife. In normal circumstances {Name} would only attend a delivery if there were complications, but no time was given to take the woman to the hospital.

 

So, there they were in a dilapidated building, whilst under another heavy bombing from the allied planes trying to stay alive, and bring a new life into the world.

 

_"Bite down on that."_ Shouting above the panic and discord erupting around them {Name} tried to keep herself calm. It was no easy task, not with the explosions creeping closer to them. The delivery would need to be quick, and with as little complications as possible as {Name} was not equipped for a birth.

 

Finding what looked to be the remainder of a broom pole {Name} gave it to the woman to hold. Fear bright and burning in the woman's face {Name} could give no assurances to soothe her, not when {Name} was just as scared.

 

_"Ok ok, Christine wasn't it?"_ Palms flat against the woman's raised knees {Name} watched the woman's face scrunch up, a scream filtering around the rag in her mouth _"Ok push. Just breath and push."_ One hand remaining on a knee the other fell between the woman's legs, in the low light {Name} could not tell what exactly she was looking at. 

 

Fingers touching against something slick {Name} gave it a quick tap, it was a head, the baby had crowned _"You're almost there, just keep breathing."_ Giving a reassuring squeeze at the woman's knee {Name} found herself moving on instinct.

 

Drowning out the sounds of death and destruction {Name} focused on delivering, the shoulders coming with another push {Name} pulled off her jacket quickly, placing it under the baby's head and shoulders she assisted in the final push.

 

In a mixture of blood and broken water {Name} stared down at the crying child, wrapped up in the jacket of her uniform tiny arms and legs kicked against the evening chill. Making a temporary clamp out of a bit of string {Name} cut the umbilical cord, before folding the jacket tighter around the screaming newborn.

 

Building lit up by a close by bomb dropping, fire and smoke filled the streets as people ran screaming and shouting.

 

In all the madness unfolding around them {Name} couldn't stop herself from pausing to admire the beautiful life she'd just helped bring into the world. Hands scrunched up under the chin, the small head turned slightly in the jacket, a leg kicking {Name} glanced up at Christine "He is beautiful."

 

Moving carefully on her knees {Name} brought the small boy to his fatigued mother, the two women exchanging joyous smiles {Name} helped Christine sit up, letting her rest against {Name}'s side, the surprisingly quiet newborn huddled close against his mother's chest.

 

_"Thank you."_ Christine whispered, barely breathing she held onto one of the tiny fists of her son _"Thank you so much."_

 

With a gentle nudge {Name} waved away the gratitude _"It's not like I was just going to run off."_

 

Intending to find cover {Name} nearly rushed by Christine doubled over in the entryway of a shop. No questions were needed to be asked, the puddle that Christine was standing in had been enough of a warning that she was going into labour. 

 

Circumstances being as they were {Name} had forced down the shop door, assisting Christine to get inside they'd laid out clothes as blankets, it was the only preparation time they'd been given before Christine started pushing.

 

With a hand to Christine's back {Name} shifted onto one knee, dust and debris falling from the ceiling as it shook with another blast, wary glances were exchanged.

 

In Christine's condition she couldn't run, and being outside was equally as risky as being in a building. They could be caught in a blast, but remaining inside they could end up buried.

 

With a shuddering breath Christine gave a watery eyed gaze at her son _"Take him."_

 

Head swivelling rapidly {Name} stared at the new mother _"What?"_

 

Hugging the newborn close Christine wailed _"Take him!"_

 

Held out, the newborn kicked at the jacket acting as a makeshift blanket, Christine's eyes open and pleading {Name}'s head moved back and forth _"We ca--!"_

 

_"Please!"_ Screaming with what little energy she had Christine pushed her son into {Name}'s chest _"He has a chance with you."_ Giving {Name} a forceful gaze Christine appeared determined and unwavering.

 

It was impossible to leave Christine behind, not when she'd only just given birth. Though {Name} could run, and hope to avoid the immediate dangers, she couldn't guarantee it. The risk of staying was equal to leaving _"He needs you."_ Whispering the plea to try and reason with the new mother {Name} was ready to gently push her son back.

 

Building quaking violently {Name} used her body to cover Christine and her son from the falling wood and brick from above.

 

Their building had been hit.

 

In a daze {Name} found the small baby forced into her arms, hands pushing at the shoulders {Name} did not question it.

 

Holding the baby tight {Name} leant back _"His name?"_ Shouting above the roar of the fire spreading above them {Name} caught the movement of Christine's mouth before another push sent {Name} to her feet.

 

Unable to look back {Name} secured the newborn at her chest, feet unsteady they carried her out of the building.

 

Fire and debris lay scattered in the streets, among them lay burned and broken bodies.

 

The wide and glassy stare of Erich catching her attention {Name} held the small baby closer to her chest. 

 

Trapped under a fallen wall {Name} could see the man's insides spilling out from where the wall had torn through him.

 

Gulping back the rising bile {Name} turned skyward, the planes over head still going strong {Name} knew that she had no time to hesitate, and so she ran.

 

Taking the already destroyed roads {Name} took a gamble on that the planes would not bomb over the same areas for some time. 

 

Head down {Name} ignored the carnage that spread around her, the screaming of the wounded and the anguish of those desperately trying to find their loved ones.

 

The baby at {Name}'s chest was the only priority in that moment.

 

In the distance a building rumbled, unable to withhold the fire raging inside, its floors and bomb damaged walls collapsed.

 

With a sparing glance {Name} sucked in a wet breath. The shop had collapsed, Christine still inside.

 

Turning {Name} could not allow delay, she needed to find a place of safety, and quickly. Hand gently patting the back of the newborn {Name} was alarmed by how quiet he was, the noise must have been terrifying, but he lay quietly in her arms.

 

Forced to stop at the corner of an alley {Name} pressed her back to the wall, legs giving way she let herself slide down. The planes overhead retreating {Name} gave silent thanks for their parting. Arms aching {Name} looked down at the small baby in her arms, tiny hands still under the chin she blinked back tears.

 

Head rolling in the blanket his tiny legs kicked against her flattened chest, tiny fingers flexing before curling back into a fist again.

 

_"How can you sleep?"_ Laughing in disbelief {Name} balanced him on her thighs, her fingers gently stroking down the warm and chubby cheeks.

 

Taking care to wrap the jacket up, and tuck it in firmly to keep the late night chill from the newborn {Name} tucked one arm under the baby boy, the other used to climb back up the wall. 

 

Needing to get the baby washed and fed {Name} gave a sweeping glance of the street she was in. Houses burning, and raised to the ground, it was a far cry from the place she'd grown to call home.

 

Walking slowly {Name} kept her eyes straight ahead, the tug in her chest becoming piercing stabs of guilt as she passed by the injured and terrified occupants of the street.


	20. Chapter 20

With a single finger pushing back the net {Name} held her breath. What they were about to do was risky, but necessary.

 

A gentle rap at the bedroom door {Name} looked up, two tone hair caught in the light passing by the window, a strained smile spread the man's face _"We have to go."_

 

Nodding {Name} went to the bed, the small bundle of blankets wriggling and gurgling a gentle hushing breath soothed the small baby. 

 

Picking him up carefully {Name} laid him in the crook of her arm, pulling the coat around the shoulder to further conceal him {Name} gave Jean a quick glance _"Thank you."_ Barely breathing the words {Name} smiled when Jean looked away _"Thank me when we get past that checkpoint."_

 

Arm around {Name}'s shoulder to hide the empty sleeve Jean felt tense at her side, the small baby only a few weeks old lying calmly in the crook of her arm {Name}'s chest ached with the fierce, panic stricken pounding of her heart. 

 

It was their only option to flee the city and head for the less controlled town a few miles east.

 

Though Mike must not have known at the time, Christine was in fact Jewish. Before the German army truly begun gathering them up, Christine had fallen pregnant with Mike's child, placing them both in a dangerous position.

 

Successfully remaining posted in the city {Name} promised to see to it that Christine and the baby were safe. 

 

With the limited freedom {Name} played her part, up until the birth. Caught in an air raid Christine gave birth in a shop, quickly after handing the small baby over to {Name} before begging her to take him to safety.

 

In the passing weeks it proved too dangerous to stay in the city. With Kurt still sniffing around {Name} it made explaining the child a difficult one. 

 

It was not a simple case of being able to pass the newborn over to an orphanage, she'd promised to keep both mother and child safe, failing one, she refused to let the small boy slip out her fingers.

 

Finding Jean posted under the slowly establishing French SS was a shock, but a welcome one. In a matter of weeks {Name} managed to persuade Jean in aiding {Name} to get out of the city, and to come with her. A daring and bold move, but one Jean had readily agreed to.

 

No longer disguised as a man {Name} was playing the role of Jean's wife. Their story a simple one that Jean wanted to take her out of the danger of the city and to his mother's in the neighbouring town.

 

The small child hidden beneath her coat having to remain hidden, for it was clear in the weeks that'd passed, that neither Jean or {Name} were his parents. Being discovered ferrying a child of a Jewish woman, would be an automatic death sentence.

 

Stepping outside {Name} bristled against the evening breeze, feet moving mechanically Jean kept close to her side, whilst trying not to agitate the baby in {Name}'s arms.

 

_"If we pull this off I--"_ Jean begun, a gentle squeeze from {Name}'s hand cutting him off _"We will Jean, we will pull it off."_   Trying to assure not only Jean, but herself, a determined nod followed her words.

 

They could not afford to panic now. They needed to be calm, and inconspicuous.

 

Taking the Main Street they moved against the crowd, a mixture of civilians and soldiers {Name} kept her head straight when a few of her old squad passed by, uncertain glances thrown her way her breath hitched at an all too familiar voice.

 

_"Wait,"_ Kurt's rough tone called across the street _"You there?"_ Jogging across the road Kurt came to stand in front of Jean and {Name}.

 

Giving {Name}'s shoulder a firm squeeze Jean looked up at the man before them _"Can I help you?"_ Leaning in towards {Name} he cast shadow over her face, the arm holding the small boy bobbing lightly to keep him from making a sound {Name} tried to minimise eye contact with Kurt.

 

One arm brushing Jean out the way Kurt stepped forward and into {Name}'s personal space   _"You look awfully familiar miss."_ Voice thick with accusation Kurt's grey eyes narrowed with the smug smile that curved his mouth _"Hein Fuchs."_

 

Keeping alarm out of her face {Name} shook her head, rambling on in French and looking to Jean for help, a second of panic set in when Kurt attempted to grab at her. 

 

Jean stepping between them his arms were thrown wide _"I would appreciate it if you kept your hands off my wife."_ Notes trembling with obvious fear of repercussion Jean did not budge when Kurt stepped up to him _"Keep moving shit head."_ Backing off and dropping into the road Kurt smiled when Jean huddled to {Name}'s side, one arm thrown out it made the pair pause _"Don't think I'm going to let this slide, just you wait bitch."_ With a parting threat Kurt withdrew the hand, waving them along with a leering smile.

 

Hurrying across the pavement {Name} bit back the tears, the final nail had been driven into the coffin of her disguise. There was not a chance {Name} could return to the city in the capacity of a medic to the SS now.

 

For the time being, it was not a priority concern, but a meagre one at the bottom of the long list she was facing.

 

Trying to keep Mike's child safe was at the top. The second was not to get all three of them killed for their bold stupidity of fleeing in the manner they were.

 

In time the city begun to fall away to a stretch of road, at the very end a group of five or six men gathered, armed and pacing between the curbs. This was their last hurdle, and their biggest.

 

Exchanging a glance with Jean, a firm nod was given, hands delving into his coat pockets for their falsified papers he took the lead when the patrolling soldiers stopped.

 

Holding out the papers Jean made sure to display both hands, cutting dead the illusion that Jean may have a more malign agenda _"We just want to pass through."_ Explaining calmly the reason for their presence Jean stood up straight when the papers were snatched out of his hand.

 

_"Why are you leaving?"_ With the thick German accented French the pock marked face of the man examining their papers looked up, the younger more handsome male at his side watching {Name}.

 

_"My wife, she is expecting. I would prefer for her to be out of the city,"_ Breezing through their planned lie Jean put an arm around {Name} _"I'm taking to her to stay with family in the next town."_

 

Offering a timid smile {Name} once more tapped lightly at the baby hidden beneath her coat, silently praying that he would remain his usual calm and quiet self.

 

With a dubious look the pock marked soldier tipped up his helmet _"You're going to make her walk all that way?"_ Questioning their planned mode of transport Jean's mouth pursed.

 

_ "Yes." _

 

Looking almost pitifully at {Name} the man gave back their papers _"You are either a committed woman, or stupid to put up with this buffoon."_ Jabbing a thumb at Jean the man smiled when {Name} gave a gentle tittering laugh in reply, a hand falling on Jean's arm to give it a gentle squeeze.

 

_"It's a bit of both."_ Joking slightly {Name} felt some of the stress of the situation drain away when the soldiers laughed with her, stepping aside to allow them through.


	21. Chapter 21

 

_"No. No!"_ Giving warning to the small terror flitting in and out of sight {Name} gave an exasperated sigh when the table cloth finally slid off the table, plates and cups crashing down to the floor {Name} turned from the sink.

 

Caught up in the cloth a small body wriggled excitedly, hands up it forced {Name} to bite back a laugh.

 

_"Get out of there."_ Hands to hips {Name}'s head cocked to the side when a small tuft of brownish blonde hair appeared, followed by two painfully familiar eyes, and a cheeky smile _"Don't smile at me Caleb,"_ trying to remain firm when the small boy swayed side to side {Name} bit down on the inside of her cheek _"Look at this mess!"_ Hand waving in a circle at the broken plates Caleb's eyes widened, blinking innocence up at {Name}.

 

Fighting back the smile {Name} clucked her tongue, fingers clicking together she approached cautiously, attempting to avoid the shards {Name}'s hands scooped up the small boy, who was clearly pleased by his day's handiwork.

 

Sighing again {Name} combed her fingers through his soft hair, planting a series of kisses to his cheek Caleb wriggled in her arms, a loud almost squealing laugh emitting.

 

Holding Caleb up above her head {Name} brought him down, blowing raspberries at his stomach he kicked and giggled, his tiny hands pattering at {Name}'s head and face to get her to stop.

 

_"No. This is what happens when you make more mess for me."_ Laughing along gently {Name} stopped when Caleb almost screeched, hands out and grabbing above her head Caleb spoke _"Jean!"_

 

A pair of hands overlapping {Name}'s Caleb was swept out of them, the small child spun in a wide circle before being brought against the Jean's chest.

 

Standing back {Name} gave a small smile _"Welcome home."_

 

With the greeting Jean's head twisted out of the almost throttle like hold Caleb held him in _"I'm home."_ Leaning toward {Name} a gentle peck was placed on her cheek before he withdrew again, Caleb displaying jealousy at not being in Jean's sole attention a bottom lip was pushed out and set to wobbling.

 

Eyes rolling {Name} stepped back, allowing the two to have their moment she turned to the mess spread across the kitchen floor. Shaking out the tablecloth {Name} set it aside before retrieving the broom from the rest it had beside the back door.

 

"How is it out there?" Calling through {Name} swept the broken plates and cups into a pile, the pan retrieved from under the sink {Name} was crouched when the shadow fell across her. 

 

Tipping back to look up {Name} frowned at the dip in his mouth _"We may have a problem."_ Sitting Caleb on the kitchen counter Jean kept him occupied by tickling at his stomach _"They're back."_

 

Dropping the pan {Name} jumped when Caleb gave a frightened shriek, his small body thrown into Jean's waiting arms.

 

Looking to the small boy glaring up at her from Jean's arms {Name}'s hands flitted down her body, knees weak she backed into a chair before falling altogether.

 

{Name} knew the time would come around eventually, she was hoping for it to be sooner rather than later. Caleb was one already, mistakenly believing {Name} was his mother it was a misfortune accident, that they could not shake him of.

 

Hands running up and down the thighs {Name} bit down on her lip _"What am I going to do?"_ Looking to Jean for an answer to their predicament {Name} hoped he held an answer, but all she found was a confused and pitiful stare.

 

It was not intentional for Caleb to have come under the assumption that {Name} was his mother. They were only meant to be deployed for six months, but that had slowly stretched on and on until Caleb was walking and talking. 

 

When Caleb wrongly called {Name} mama, she'd almost keeled over in shock, having never expected to be called it ever, it was painful to hear. It was even more painful to try and get Caleb to stop.

 

Caleb had looked at her so sadly and confused, it broke her heart to try and deny him calling her what felt natural to him. 

 

Though {Name} wasn't sure where he'd learnt the word, she'd come to guess that it was a learnt behaviour from the other children in the street when they went running and calling after their own mothers.

 

In time Jean swung Caleb playfully off the kitchen side, whispering something about going to play Caleb ran unsteadily into the living room. 

 

Occupying the chair opposite {Name} a sigh heaved Jean's chest, a hand scratching up the back of his two tone hair _"I don't know what to suggest, other than being honest."_ Hand dropping to the bare table top Jean's fingers drummed on the wood _"Also, there is another problem."_

 

Head snapping up {Name} couldn't imagine anything worse than attempting to explain away why Mike's son was calling {Name} mum, but the strain in Jean's face told her that there was.

 

With some hesitance, and clearly time needed to think how best to deliver the news Jean leant forward, his fingers falling silent and flat on the table _"They think you're married now."_ Index finger raising to point at himself Jean gave a weird, almost amused smile _"Your friend Kurt made sure to tell them that, when they returned."_

 

Throwing herself back in the chair {Name} shook her head _"Shit!"_ Cursing loudly a hand clapped over her mouth when a loud gasp travelled through from the living room, Caleb had heard.

 

Kurt was no doubt feeling like a pig in shit for that subtle blow. Having crossed paths with the man who was out for {Name}'s blood on their way out of the city, Jean had thrown out that she was his wife. It wasn't true, their relationship was purely innocent. 

 

Though Jean stayed regularly, they had their own rooms, excusing his presence in the house as a good friend the neighbours did not openly question it.

 

Teeth grinding {Name} rubbed at her temples. It was going to be a wonderfully awkward and painful thing to explain. Not only was Christine deceased, but {Name} ran off with her son, and was apparently married. It was like a poorly written story, of unfortunate and strange events.

 

It was not going to be a simple conversation when the time came down to it.

 

Inhaling {Name} raised her head meeting Jean in a dead on stare _"Do they know where I am?"_ Needing time to prepare for the inevitable meeting {Name} wanted to be ready, rather than have them show up unexpectedly.

 

A quick shake of the head from Jean made {Name} relax, if only a little _"I haven't seen them myself,"_ Jean attempted to assure {Name} _"I bumped into Kurt, though I have a feeling they may have been close by."_ Fingers stroking at his chin Jean's head tilted thoughtfully _"He was pretty loud, and made a point of calling you my wife."_

 

Grumbling {Name} pinched at the bridge of her nose. This was not going to go over well, and in truth the more Jean said, the less inclined {Name} was to meet with them. 

 

Reservations or not, {Name} could not keep Mike from finally meeting his son. It must have been a shock to return, to not know about his child's well being, it was possible he didn't even know Christine was dead.

 

Being Jewish, she was probably thrown into an unmarked grave, along with the others they rounded up and carted off.

 

Some even publicly executed.

 

It was not like Mike could openly ask after Christine without raising suspicion. It was hard enough for {Name} to meet with her and check on her well being when dressed up as an SS medic.

 

Weighing up the options {Name} gazed over at Caleb, smacking together two wooden blocks he was happy and entertained.

 

{Name} knew eventually the day would come, and now it was here, she felt at a loss. If only they'd come back sooner, the mess of mistaken identity would never have been an issue.

 

_"Thank you, Jean."_ Reaching out for Jean's hand, their fingers connected, squeezing tightly {Name} swallowed _"You know what I'm going to ask, don't you?"_ Holding tightly to Jean's hand {Name}'s bottom lip quivered _"Please don't tell them where I am."_

 

The decision cruel {Name} couldn't bare the idea that Mike could take Caleb from her. In the year they'd been gone she'd looked after, raised and grown to love the child.

 

Though {Name} knew full well that Caleb was not hers biologically, she'd been his mother, be it unwillingly or not, she couldn't allow the chance that Mike would upheave Caleb from what had become his home.

 

With clear reservation Jean's expression softened into a smile _"You know it means I will have to stop coming by, right?"_   With a sullen tone Jean held on tight to {Name}'s hand _"I'm sorry Jean."_ Stepping out the chair {Name} pulled Jean up from his own, arms thrown around him she held tightly to him _"I will be forever grateful for what you have done for me,"_ sniffing back the tears that threatened to spill {Name} buried her face into his neck _"But I can't do it, I'm not ready."_

 

Arms closing around {Name} they pulled each other in tightly, a small kiss placed to the side of her head Jean's chest heaved _"I understand, but you will eventually have to face him. That is his son."_ Patting lightly at her back they stepped away from each other.

 

What Jean was saying made sense to {Name}, and she knew he was right. Though {Name} doubted Mike would take Caleb, especially with nowhere to house him, or even anyone to care for him, the fear of it still wrapped itself around {Name}'s logical reasoning.

 

Balancing Caleb on a hip {Name} placed a kiss to Jean's cheek, a quick one placed on her forehead a small nod was given in parting.

 

Choosing to avoid a verbal parting {Name} knew it would not be a permanent thing, the time would come when {Name} would have to return to the city and face Mike, and Erwin. Until that moment came, Jean would have to stay gone from their home.


	22. Chapter 22

_ "Mama!" _

 

Shouting excitedly Caleb hopped from one puddle to the next, his hand in hers it forced her to lean to the side. The boots {Name} had put on him proving a good decision a smile broke up the tenseness in her cheeks.

 

_"Caleb, be careful please."_ Speaking softly at him a nervous breath caught in her throat when a familiar building came into sight.

 

Two weeks had gone by since Jean told {Name} that they were back home. Consumed by a fear that Caleb would be removed from her, an irrational decision was made to send Jean away, and stay hidden in the town two hours away.

 

Allowing time to calm down {Name} decided it was time to face them, and her fear.

 

Standing at the foot of the stairs to the building they'd come to call home {Name} turned to Caleb, fingers lightly brushing through his windswept hair {Name} smiled when he returned the favour to {Name}. 

 

In the year she'd not had to pretend to be a man, it allowed {Name} to grow her hair again, the soft curls falling just past her shoulders it was a small freedom that {Name} was able to feel like herself once more.

 

_"Remember what I said?"_ Questioning Caleb she was not surprised when a cheeky smile was replied, he was going to behave for all of ten seconds, but it was enough for {Name}.

 

Scooping Caleb up into her arms {Name} took the stairs slowly, setting Caleb down at her feet, she let his hand remain in hers before knocking at the door. The hammering in her chest increasing when footsteps approached from the other side of the door.

 

Half tempted to turn and run {Name} wasn't allowed any time to do it, door swinging open {Name} stared dumbly at the man standing in the doorway.

 

_"Fraulein?!"_ Close to shouting Bertholdt nearly knocked {Name} down the steps when his large body wrapped around her own _"Berthl, child, the child."_ A hand searching for Caleb she was relieved when his tiny hand grabbed for hers again.

 

Stepping back rapidly Bertholdt blinked down at Caleb, a scowl on the little boys face he clung to the front of {Name}'s coat.

 

_"Is this?"_ Crouching to be almost eye level with Caleb a frown settled on Bertholdt.

_"We heard you were married, but you really didn't hang around."_ Leaning down on Bertholdt's shoulder Reiner bared a huge smile _"Handsome little fella aren't you?"_ A finger extended he tickled under Caleb's chin.

 

Trying to hide under {Name}'s coat Caleb didn't spare the chance to poke out his tongue at Reiner and Bertholdt.

 

With a twitching smile {Name} waved a hand back and forth _"It's not like that."_ Voice jittery {Name} brushed a hand reassuringly over Caleb's hair _"Can I come in?"_ Ignoring the perplexed gaze Reiner gave her, Bertholdt stood up quickly, a hand on his friend's shoulder a tilt of his head allowed him to whisper in Reiner's ear.

 

Head whipping down to look at Caleb a step back was taken when Bertholdt grabbed at Reiner's shoulder "Come in." With the usual quivering nervousness Bertholdt dragged Reiner out of the way to let {Name} and Caleb through.

 

Unsure as to what Bertholdt whispered to Reiner a wobbly smile was given, arm out {Name} guided Caleb through the small hallway.

 

Being back inside the small bed and breakfast that she'd spent months living in was nostalgic, and nerve wracking all at once. Happy to be back within its walls, the dread of what she was about to do made {Name} want to turn tail and run.

 

Moving silently toward the small communal area {Name} allowed Reiner and Bertholdt to take lead, the old double doors thrown open {Name} felt as though someone was choking her.

 

In an instant everyone looked towards the two standing in the doorway. Rising from their seats, some continued to stare dumbfounded, eyes flicking up and down from the child clinging to her legs, to {Name}.

 

_"Is that?"_ Marco spoke up, a little too loudly that it made Caleb jump, twisting around his small arms reached out for {Name}.

 

Scooping Caleb up {Name} patted his back as he hid his face in {Name}'s shoulder, a slow shake of the head was given in reply. A finger placed to the mouth {Name} asked them all to refrain from questioning her.

 

Though happy to see that they'd all made it back in one piece, {Name} was only here to see two of them.

 

_"Where is Mike and Erwin?"_ Asking softly {Name} did not like the way in which the men all looked off at any angle that meant they were not looking at her.

_"Um, {Name}..."_ Armin spoke up tentatively, a finger scratching at the side of his nose _"Behind you."_ Head bobbing to the space behind Armin looked away quickly, almost nervously.

 

Gaze slanting to the side {Name} steadied a breath, a hand gently cupping the back of Caleb's head, she realised he'd raised it. 

 

Sliding Caleb down to the floor {Name} held his hand to guide him round, small uncertain steps taken they eventually turned.

 

Keeping both eyes on Caleb a small smile was given when his head tipped back against her. Flicking to the two pairs of polished boots {Name} felt faint, her tongue running over lips she slowly brought her gaze up.

 

Met with two steely sets of eyes {Name} flinched. Both men looked less than pleased with {Name}'s presence.

 

Placing a hand to Caleb's head {Name} fought through the haziness in her head, her body felt weak under their unwavering and unwelcoming stares.

 

One of the men at least, knew that Caleb was not her son.

 

_"Mike,"_ speaking quietly {Name} wanted to pick Caleb up and leave, feet itching to run she forced them to remain still _"This is your son."_

 

Stutters from the room behind made {Name} falter, words caught at the tip of her tongue {Name} didn't miss the panicked look Mike passed to Erwin.

 

_"Christine didn't make it."_ Whispering {Name} pulled Caleb close when Mike took an uncertain but lurching step forward, his approach stopped when Erwin's hand spread out to catch Mike across the chest _"She told me what she wanted him to be named."_ Adding in what Christine's final words to {Name} had been she combed her fingers nervously through Caleb's hair.

 

_"I didn't have a choice but to leave. I couldn't look after him the whole time I was meant to be a medic,"_ drawing in a breath her chest felt tight _"Jean helped me get out, the marriage part was merely a cover."_

 

Hoping that the stuttered explanation would be enough to at least make Mike and Erwin ease up in the way they were looking at her.

 

It made {Name} feel like a pariah.

A tug at the edge of {Name}'s fingers made her look down, Caleb's arms up and open she bent to scoop him up. Setting Caleb on a pushed out hip {Name} smiled when his tiny hands patted against her face.

 

The stretching silence made {Name}'s gaze flick nervously to the two men. Mike's hand covering his mouth {Name} turned to Erwin. 

 

Attention at the cuffs of his uniform Erwin picked at invisible lint, purposefully distracting himself {Name} felt her heart sink.

 

Maybe {Name} shouldn't have come.

 

_"I'll be going then."_ Head turning to Caleb a gentle hushing soothed his growing agitation, tiny legs swinging it was evident that a nap was on the cards. 

 

A blessing in disguise {Name} tipped her posture to make it more comfortable for Caleb, his head resting on {Name}'s shoulder a small yawn parted his mouth.

 

With no one moving or even speaking to object {Name}'s intention to leave she turned on her heel, a polite nod given to the men, slight nods and half hearted waves were given in return.

 

Keeping her head up {Name} was almost out the door when Bertholdt called after her, turning {Name} did not understand the sudden commotion. Reiner holding Bertholdt by the throat a large hand covered the panicked man's mouth. 

 

The others having run out of the room to try and drag Bertholdt back into the communal room, stopping him from speaking.

 

Eyes narrowed {Name} turned, what were they up to?

 

_"They ki--!"_ Bertholdt's loud voice broke out of the room, a hive of multiple voices shouting and whispering, the sound of something heavy falling made {Name} jump.

 

_ "Jean! They killed Jean!" _

 

In the same second Bertholdt managed to get out his words, silence fell rapidly.

 

Without thinking {Name} marched back down the hallway, double doors still open {Name} found Bertholdt pinned down by Reiner and Marco.

 

_"What was that?"_ Voice shaking {Name} looked down at Bertholdt, face squashed painfully against the floor the one eye he managed to keep open found {Name}. Taking care to not disturb Caleb {Name} knelt at Bertholdt's side _"Get off of him."_ Pushing at Reiner's shoulder the large man slid off the knee and arm that was keeping Bertholdt down, Marco following suit and releasing his legs.

 

Pushing up on all fours Bertholdt panted quietly, one side of his face red from being forced down on the floor _"Kurt, he killed him."_ Speaking quietly Bertholdt held {Name} in a watery eyed stare"He wouldn't tell him where you were."

 

Mouth moving no words were formed, everything around {Name} seemed to slow down, heart rate dropping, each beat came painfully and strained.

 

_"Take him."_ Passing Caleb off from her shoulder Bertholdt stuttered and shook his head back and forth. 

 

A rough push on Bertholdt's shoulder it forced him onto his knees, the sleeping infant placed in his lap {Name} stood up as Bertholdt's arms closed and opened in confusion, eventually closing to keep the sleeping child from slipping.

 

Almost falling over her own feet {Name} forced through the small barricade Erwin and Mike tried to make, fingers catching on the door frame {Name} used it to propel herself round the corner. 

 

Taking the small stretch of corridor at a run {Name} hit the stairs at full speed, close to leaping up them she slid on the carpet at the first landing.

 

Correcting her footing {Name} carried on down to the far end, and to her old room. Hoping that everything was the same the door was thrown open.

 

Securing the item she sought in her coat pocket {Name} caught her reflection in the mirror. Eyes wild the pupils were dilated unnaturally, jaw set firm a steady breath was taken before she looked away.

 

Tearing out of the room {Name} closed her fingers around the object in her pocket, taking the stairs a little more carefully {Name} ignored the voices calling out, trying to break her out of the daze she was in.

 

Nothing they said was going to stop her, no matter the consequence {Name}'s mind was set.

 

Body shaking with the adrenaline pumping through her veins {Name} walked out of the bed and breakfast calmly. The sounds of heavy footsteps following becoming background noise, it joined the sounds of the city to become a white noise, buzzing at a low frequency in her ears.

 

Without care {Name} crossed the street, the car horns falling away as quickly as the sound raised to fall with the others. 

 

Unapologetic {Name} dismissed the angry shouts of the men and women she barged through, their bodies clipping off her own she refused to be staggered, or stopped.

 

Following the winds and curves {Name} wasn't even sure if she was going in the right direction, simply allowing her feet to move until they found what she was searching for.

 

In time they slowed, the fierce pumping in her chest slowing her chest heaved with the laboured breaths she'd been taking. Face damp with the quietly falling tears, she wasn't sure if her vision was blurred due to them, or the anger that coursed like a fire through her.

 

All {Name} knew was the person she sought, was standing feet from her, helmet tipped back a victorious smirk twisted up his mouth.

 

_"Well well, if it isn't my favourite medic."_ Kurt's gravely tone made {Name} stop, the man leaning back against the half wall she'd been forced to shoot a bottle from a year ago he raised a foot, pressing it back against the beer stained brick _"What brings you back to the city, and with friends in tow."_ Tossing his chin to those who'd followed {Name}, she refused to look away.

 

There would be only one shot at what she was about to do, she could not afford to lose focus.

 

Fingers pushing down in her pocket, the cap slid off the needle, taking caution not to prick herself the hand came out the pocket, the needle placed flat against her palm, the plunger pressed up against her wrist.

 

_"What did you do to Jean?"_ Struggling to keep from shouting {Name} forced down the lump in her throat when Kurt looked at her confused for a second, before bursting into a hearty laugh.

 

Hand slapping the raised thigh Kurt's other hand wiped away the tears brought on by his amusement _"Him? Oh well, what can I say?"_

 

Pushing off the wall Kurt closed the distance between {Name} and himself _"I was impressed by him, no matter what I did, that man did not break."_ Leaning in toward {Name} his breath fanned across her cheek. 

 

_ "That man must have really loved you, he only cried out when I twisted the knife in his gut. It was disappointing really, I expected him to cry like a ba--!" _

 

With the tip of the needle thrust into Kurt's throat {Name} slammed the plunger down, emptying the fluid in the needle into his body.

 

Staggering back Kurt held a hand to his throat, the other swinging up, it caught {Name} square across the face. Thrown to the floor by the force {Name}'s hands scraped across the pavement, the needle clinking as it rolled out {Name}'s hand.

 

Jaw wiggling {Name} felt her mouth fill with a metallic liquid. Spitting it out, bright red splattered across the pavement.

 

_"Two hundred milligrams is considered a potentially fatal overdose of morphine,"_ words slurred {Name} brushed away the hands that attempted to pick her up from the floor, choosing to stand on her own, {Name} used the back of a hand to wipe away the blood that dribbled from her swelling lips.

 

With a curve in the corner of her swelling lips {Name} watched Kurt's movements become slow and sluggish, limbs becoming unresponsive he sunk to his knees before he could reach for {Name} again.

 

Dropping into a crouch {Name} kept a safe distance. 

 

Kurt's face was becoming red and blotchy, clammy and swollen with the passing seconds. Pupils wide and dilating wildly they switched from large and saucer like, down to small pin pricks _"I just gave you six hundred."_

 

Head following the sway of Kurt's a gleeful smile parted her lips _"If you manage to survive, you'll be severely brain damaged. A dribbling, repugnant mess, that your kind loathe and treat cruelly."_ Closer to cooing rather than speaking {Name} knew she'd overstepped a line.

 

The action she took a fatal blunder in judgement, but one that satisfied her needs at the time. Jean didn't deserve to die, all he'd ever been was a good and caring man. To die in order to protect {Name} was simply a waste of his life. 

 

The bravery he'd shown in his final moments would now serve no purpose, {Name} had thrown away the temporary protection Jean had given her.

 

Kurt's lips were blue and bruised, the strained blood vessels in his face rising up against the skin with the stress they were under. It wouldn't be long until his heart gave out.

 

_"This,"_ curling a hand around Kurt's neck {Name} pulled him closer, the tender skin of her lips brushing over the heated lobe of his ear _"Is what you deserve."_

 

Taking the hand away {Name} remained in place when Kurt fell forward, head hitting sharply at her shoulder an arm stretched over her body to push Kurt off her shoulder. 

 

Letting him slip away the dull thud of his body hitting the concrete rung loudly in her ears.

 

Thomas Wagner.

 

Finally the name of the first man {Name} had killed in an act of self defence crawled to the front of her mind.

 

Hands out and wide {Name} raised them above her head as she was ordered to do. Standing up slowly {Name} turned with the order, eyes finding those who'd followed after her, a serene smile was given to them.

 

Erwin, Mike and Reiner stood off to the side, faces unreadable {Name}'s eyes closed briefly, she didn't want to remember them as they were in that moment.

 

Facing the rifles aimed at her body {Name} swallowed.

 

This was not something Erwin could fix with a few sweetly and well placed words. {Name} knew that, but none the less, she wished he'd make an attempt.

 

Anything would be better than the anger that filled his gaze, the set of his jaw taking {Name} back to the time she'd kicked him the first time.

 

Blocking the view of the men aiming at her {Name} whimpered when Erwin's fingers fanned out across her cheeks, head dipping their lips met gingerly, clear caution taken to avoid causing {Name} any further pain, Erwin withdrew slowly, his forehead pressing hard against hers _"You stupid, stupid woman!"_ Rough and strained {Name} caught a faint tremor in Erwin's voice.

 

_"Sir, you must step away."_ Ordering Erwin to move aside the man used the body of the gun to push at Erwin's arm.

 

One final kiss placed to {Name}'s forehead Erwin released her, his fingers sliding away slowly {Name}'s head dropped, she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

 

The moment Erwin was out of the way {Name} felt her arms twist painfully. Forced up against her back {Name} held back a pained shout. 

 

The man handling was no better a sign than being shot, but it gave her a few more moments to reflect on what she'd done.

 

The lingering question of the small voice in her mind asking, if it had been worth it?

 

Though {Name} was never going to see Caleb again, or the men she'd grown to consider her family, or Jean, or Erwin, it had been worth it.

 

Smiling to herself as she was practically dragged to a waiting car {Name} could honestly say it had been worth it.

 

In her life she'd experienced heartache and loss, but she'd also experienced love and had a chance at being a mother.

 

There was little more that {Name} could have asked for out of the years she'd been alive.


End file.
